Gods_Romantic

blog closing...

2007-02-21T17:24:00.001-04:00

END

with reference to the last post... that is from few years ago.. and I'm deleting the blog I it was on (because it only had that one post).

I set up that blog because I was having problems reading the bible.. it was discouraging to me.. not just emotionally but for some odd reason it did not seem to encourage me in my Christianity.. it rather discouraged me. So I set up that blog to try and encourage myself. Obviously that didn't go far. anyway.. here is the one post from that blog.. which I am now deleting. There is no point for a blog with one post.. and there is not chance of it getting more posts in the future...

I am also planning to close this blog.. because I feel the title no longer speaks about who I am. If you have been reading this blog.. you have probably seen this coming for some time. In fact apart from my eyes this is why I have not posted much in the last year and since August.

I got a letter from IHOP (international house of prayer) today.. it's funny to think of what would have happened if I had gotten in and gone there three years ago. Today I look at it, and I'm not nostalgic.. I still wistfully sometimes wonder what Kansas City is like.... I can't help wondering because for so long.. a part of my heart was there.. Friends of the bridegroom there are very much into what I was into.. being romantic and passionate about God..

I can't post here anymore because this is not who I am anymore.. It happened almost impercievably.. over a year or two when I was trying not to think of it.. and sadly when I was thinking about it. When I wrote everything down in my letter to God.. It seems truth changed the picture... you can live with cognitive dissonace in your mind.. but once you put it on paper.. it will burn a hole through the paper.. or it will burn a hole through you and you have to resolve it.

I would just delete this blog.. but I am not deleting it because although it is not who I am anymore.. it does express what for a time was me.. and it's a thread that always ran through me and will always run through me.. this romanticism and idealism..

besides I'm a pack rat :) I'm putting up a new blog... I'll put up the address for anyone that cares to follow the story......

if you want to know why... I'm specifically being vague on here because if you google my name on the internet this blog is the first thing that comes up.. by any means if anyone wants to know more I've written several longish "posts" which I can forward..

Sapphire Kisses "fusion of a u2 song and the sapphire sea"

2007-02-21T17:02:00.001-04:00

-------------------------------------------
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Mark 3 4Then Jesus asked them, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they remained silent. 5He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts The Pharisees cared more about the “law” than compassion. The law had done nothing for them, it didn’t reveal the selfishness and callousness in their hearts and show them their need for salvation. 7Jesus withdrew with his disciples to the lake, I wonder why Jesus needed to withdraw. Was it just for his human needs to relax or did he need to talk to God ? to keep the people from crowding him. Was Jesus fed up of the people ? or worn out and tired ? Kind of an irony here because God is never supposed to get tired.... I guess maybe this is an illustration of Jesus in his humanness. God in his humanness does get tired, an example that it's ok for us to get tired and need a break from ministry..in our humanness. Not being able to help everybody all the time is not a sin...or maybe the Father just wasn't telling him to do any miracles then cause he knew he needed a break... Maybe the Father TOLD him to go take a break! 10For he had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch him. "You are the Son of God." 12But he gave them strict orders not to tell who he was. I wonder why the demons kept saying “You are the son of God” Was the devil telling them to say that ? or were they just exclaiming in surprise ? And why didn’t Jesus want them to say that ? Why didn’t he want people to know ? Did he not want the demons to say that because then the Pharisees and people would think he was sent by the devil, since the “devil” was saying he was God…? : Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); 17James son of Zebedee and his brother John (to them he gave the name Boanerges, which means Sons of Thunder Maybe Jesus wasn’t referring to his firey temperament here but speaking prophetically over him. He was going to be thunderous in his love…have knowledge of God’s thunderous love for him); 18Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot 19and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him. Is this the disciples in the most spiritual order ? or order of closeness to Jesus ? 1Peter 2James 3John 4Andrew 5Phillip 6Bartholomew 7Matthew 8Thomas 9James (Alphaeus) 10Thaddaeus 11Simon the zealot 12Judas 29But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!'[10] This is when the Pharisees say he’s demon possessed… Mark 4 14The farmer sows the word. 15Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop--thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown." So are all these people Christians ? or only the ones that are fruitful ? Do they all go to heaven ? or just the fruitful ones… A man scatters seed on the ground. 27Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28All by itself the soil produces grain--first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come." What does this mean ? I’ve never heard of this parable before or the meaning of it 33With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand. 34He did not say anything to them without using a parable. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything. 38Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" I wonder if the “we” here was referring to just the disciples or the disciples plus Jesus. And did they really think Jesus could drown?! And his desires thwarted ? (he wanted to go to the other side of the lake..) 39He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. 40He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 5 5Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones. The poor man he was a “cutter” he was driven to cut himself with stones… 13He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. I wonder why he let the demons go into the pigs ? Was he feeling sorry for the demons ? Well that wasn’t nice to destroy someone’s herd. Did he pay them back for it ? Was this to test the town on whether they were compassionate and really caring about this man or if economic success was more important.. 16Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man--and told about the pigs as well. What happened with the pigs seems to have been equally impressive to these people… 17Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region. Obviously they didn’t like what he did…the fact that he healed the man was not redemptive of the lost pigs… 18As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. 19Jesus did not let him, but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." I wonder why Jesus didn’t let the man come, why he told him to go home ? 22Then one of the synagogue rulers, named Jairus, came there. Jairus must have either been a sincere Pharisee or just absolutely desperate over his little girl and Jesus was his last resort. If there were people like Jairus in positions of authority in the Jewish community…I wonder if Jairus did anything to protest Jesus death or to stop it. I wonder if he REALLY believed in and loved Jesus or if he lost his fervor after he got what he wanted from Jesus………… 26She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. She’s desperate at the end of her rope and she’s been betrayed by those that were supposed to help her. Modern medicine has failed her…Some doctors have probably exploited her or at least it seems they may have done more harm than good. I wonder what was her disease.. We probably have a name for it… 31"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' His disciples seemed to be very honest with him they just spoke the first thing that came to their minds. They didn’t seem to weigh it to see if it was spiritual enough or not. They were absolutely comfortable with Jesus, they knew he accepted them and loved them and was proud of them whether they had faith or not. They were free to be themselves around him. It’s funny that the disciples asked this question and here they’re sort of chiding Jesus as if to say, “What’s wrong with you! It’s OBVIOUS that everyone’s touching you…what a dumb questions…now Jesus! Don’t be ridiculous…” It seems that they didn’t respect him all that much…I wonder if Jesus ever made silly/stupid little mistakes like I do… I wonder if Jesus was a daydreamer sort like me and forgot “the coffee on” and it all boiled away etc…and his disciples kinda had to rush in a pick up the slack a lot…? That’s not sin..it’s just mistakes..or a human weakness…… 34He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Her faith healed her…but faith is first of all a gift from God…So it was not really her “working up the faith” that healed her but the God-given gift of faith…Maybe it’s like Jesus saying to someone, “your repentance has saved you…” Well if he said that he’d be sort of speaking figuratively because it’s not really “YOUR repentance…but in light of Jesus death…your repentance was the deciding factor…AND it was God that gave you ears to hear and consequently he is the one that is responsible for your repentance..so this is like saying (in a very roundabout way) “God has healed you..” though it’s funny because that’s not the impression we get at first glance… "Your daughter is dead," they said. "Why bother the teacher any more?" 36Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe." This is kinda like déjà vu for me here… I mean it’s like they’re saying, “You’re chance of getting into college is dead!” or “There’s no way you can become a doctor…” or “You’re nuts to think about …” and EVERYBODY’s saying it (notice the word “they” in the text, “they said”) and God’s telling you…No your dream’s not dead, it’s just asleep… And you’ve got God saying “Just believe…” when everything and everyone else is telling you the opposite…and it’s like he’s standing beyond the edge of a cliff holding out his hand to you… 37He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. Hmmm this would the first three in MY order of the disciples…EXACTLY…Peter, James, and John… so if James was Jesus brother…then John was also…and I have a feeling that Judas was Jesus brother because…I think his attitude toward Jesus had something to do with jealousy… 39He went in and said to them, "Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep." 40But they laughed at him. “Your dream is not dead but asleep.” And you’re like, “God don’t play with my heart..”…and the world laughs…not to mention if YOU tell them what God said!… 42Immediately the girl stood up and walked around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. 43He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, I wonder why he didn’t want anyone to know ? Why didn’t he want anyone to know about his miracles like this ? This totally confuses me…I have no idea why he wouldn’t Mark 6 3"Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph,[14] Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?" And they took offense at him. I think they were jealous..that’s why they took offense…They probably thought they were better than Mary and Joseph and here was their son moving UP in the world! 5He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. I wonder EXACTLY why he couldn’t do miracles there…Was it not necessarily that they didn’t have faith but their ATTITUDE rather that stopped him ? 6And he was amazed at their lack of faith. Hey Jesus was AMAZED…he was surprised…something sort of confounded him… 10Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. Why should you stay in that one house I wonder ? Is it so that the people won’t get jealous or feel hurt if you move to another house ?or is there some other reason ? 11And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them." Okay this is supposed to mean that you’re to forgive…but isn’t forgiveness letting go of the desire for revenge ? This seems to say it’s a testimony against them…ie to put the blood on their head…ie testimony seems to tell me of prosecution…forgiveness + prosecution.. Or maybe what Jesus means is just that you’re setting yourself free from any guilt that you didn’t witness well enough or whatever…. 16But when Herod heard this, he said, "John, the man I beheaded, has been raised from the dead!" Haha Herod is superstitious..he thinks it’s a ghost… Herod feared John and protected him, knowing him to be a righteous and holy man. Interesting…it seems Herod had more spiritual sensitivity and spiritual insight than the Pharisees… 34When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages[18] ! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?" They’re like, “is this really the most spiritual thing to do?, to spend our entire ministry budget on relieving the famine in that African village?” 47When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. 48He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. They were completely amazed, 52for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. Interesting..the DISCIPLES’ hearts were hardened ?! Mark 7 5So the Pharisees and teachers of the law asked Jesus, "Why don't your disciples live according to the tradition of the elders instead of eating their food with 'unclean' hands?" 6He replied, "Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: " 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. ] 8You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men." 9And he said to them: "You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe[21] your own traditions! They used to law for their own benefit..to feel good about themselves and to feel they were better than others. They weren’t living ACCORDING to the law..they had their the law for their OWN uses and benefits… They law wasn’t in control of them, they were in control of it..twisting it and manipulating it to serve their own purposes… 11But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: 'Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban' (that is, a gift devoted to God), 12then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. 13Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that." 14Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, "Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. 15Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean.' "[24] This is what the fundamentalists get wrong! The real problem sin doesn’t come so much from what we see on the outside as our own dirty little hearts.. 20He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' 21For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' " There it is Jesus said it, it’s not the shows you watch etc that are the problem..it’s your own little sinful heart that’s responsible for your jealousy etc

god I never knew I loved my retinas so much!

2006-12-11T23:03:00.000-04:00

... and the quote of the day goes to Dennise *Grin grin*

"what are you going to do when you get sad, get out your money and count it and feel happy ?!"

*on importance of money*

hey guys, I'm back.. new and improved.. and slightly peppered I might add ;)

I know I've been away (practically slept the sleep of death you might argue) for ages. Part of that had to do with a medical emergency. The last I posted, I went off to church camp with my parents and while there I had a retinal detachment. Very very scary ordeal. I had to have surgery for it. After that I really wasn't up to posting. I spent about a week on the couch with both eyes close and then I spent the rest of the month barely leaving the house.

After that I went on vacation (which actually I was supposed to go on in September but had to be postponed because of the retinal detachment) and I when I got back I had big plans... which I have been busy with till now ;) still busy in fact.

It's odd but I could say so much and yet I'm not sure exactly what to say, except if you have severe myopia (-6 and over), make sure your doctors are dilating your eyes and checking your retinas for tears. I'm extremely lucky, I could have gone blind. Not only am I grateful that I went to the doctor immediately after I started seeing a shadow at the bottom of my vision but (stupid opthamologist!!) but I'm grateful that my detachment progressed very slowly so that I hadn't completely lost all sight by the time I got to the retina surgeon 7 days later! (fyi you're supposed to fix a retinal detachment within 24 hours). I met a man in the retina doctor's office who went totally blind (in one eye) after his opthamologist sent him home saying it was nothing. Several days later he woke up and all he saw was darkness in that eye. Anyway if you have myopia, look up the symptoms of retinal detachment, study them and get your doctor to check your retinas for tears/holes!

My left eye isn't perfect (I'm left with a bit of a shadow at the bottom) but I am incredibly glad not to be blind /to have lost 3-d vision.

btw if you are my friend and we've talked since then and I haven't mentioned it.. it's just because *sigh* I know I never get to the important stuff.. and also I didn't really feel like talking about it, it's incredibly incredibly depressing to think and talk about.

I could not agree more

2006-08-01T21:06:00.000-04:00

Disowning Conservative Politics, Evangelical Pastor Rattles Flock

I was just about to unsubscribe to 850 words of Relevant Magazine (an email newsletter) when I recieved a link to this today. It's about a pastor that decided he's not supporting any political causes, he's not saying a word about anything political. And well he lost 1/5th of his church because of it.

some quotes from the article :

“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”

He said he first became alarmed while visiting another megachurch’s worship service on a Fourth of July years ago. The service finished with the chorus singing “God Bless America” and a video of fighter jets flying over a hill silhouetted with crosses.

“I thought to myself, ‘What just happened? Fighter jets mixed up with the cross?’ ” he said in an interview.

In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others — by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars. Christians should instead seek to have “power under” others — “winning people’s hearts” by sacrificing for those in need, as Jesus did, Mr. Boyd said.

“America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric. That’s why our Constitution wisely put in a separation of church and state.

Last but not least, I love this one.

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

There was also a little reference to people asking if the church would distribute “voters’ guides” that all but endorsed Republican candidates. If you've never seen one of these or heard the arguments it contains.. let me tell you, you're lucky! It really does basically tell you who to vote for, it mentions the party's platform issues and how these are 'biblical' (while ignoring some of the other party's equally biblical issues/stances) it just doesn't tell you the names of the parties..but of course you know them of by heart! somewhat nauseating.

'pretend' to pray

2006-07-25T19:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was talking to my friend about something and somehow it came up, that on a certain incident.. I was 'pretending' to pray. Sorry this may sound laughable to some of you.

Actually this has been going on for years (ok maybe not the pretending to pray) but for years I have been disagreeing with a LOT of the theology in my church and lots of other Christian places and it's gotten me in serious trouble. It's also gotten me in serious trouble for seeming to 'disagree' with things that people want to pray with me about, especially when they think they have a solution to the problem and they have an answer and and an agenda and it differs from mine.

I mean for instance what the *#@ double hockey sticks (excuse my subsitituted language) do you do when someone thinks that you're oppressed and they want to pray the devil out of you ?! Do you agree ? or pretend to agree ? or try to peacefully show your disapproval by keeping your eyes open and not bowing your head and just kind of staring all around ? ;) or hide in a closet.. like I did on one occassion (I kid you not, I did hide in a closet!!! and they were unable to find me to 'pray' for!! )

(Maybe at great personal expense) I have always tried to be 'nice' to people though, even if they are hurting me and praying for something I don't at all agree with, I've tried very hard not to hurt them, very often at the cost of being assertive. If someone wants to pray for you that you'll 'not be lazy anymore' or 'get strength to fight the devil of depression' (cause obviously you're weak in faith... that's the only possibly explanation) what do you do ? Do you just say "sorry I don't want you to pray for me," and walk out ? I mean there is a whole ton of ramifications and possibly consequences here. It may seem simple if you've never been in the situation but it's not.. Firstly if your parents have 'called' them to pray for you.. and they've obviously taken their time and energy to come over.. not to mention they believe they're right in their 'diagnosis' of the problem...they believe what they're praying is the right thing... you're going to hurt their feelings if you refuse right ? not to mention they're going to think of you as a horrible person because "she refused my prayer! she doesn't want God! She doesn't want God to help her! What a horrid girl!"

So you're trapped. There is no way to assert yourself and refuse without just causing more trouble. If you refuse everyone just hates you more. If you don't say anything and God forbid 'pretend to pray' then according to my friend you're invalidating yourself.. and not only that but possibly you're also invalidating your belief in God..

something 'nice'

2006-07-21T20:23:00.000-04:00

You know today.. in spite of feeling horrible and everything.. I'm feeling a little good, because.. after the longest time, when I think of things going wrong.. and not being able to get out of bed in Canada and go to school (and even before that not being able to study/feeling absolutely lonely and depressed etc etc) I can put a name on it and say that something WAS wrong. It was not just my fault and I didn't just mess things up just for the heck of it.

It's a really nice feeling (it's not euphoria or anything close) but it's really nice not to feel completely and intrinsically guilty and bad for a change. I hope this feeling/sense of reality lasts.

dissonance

2006-07-21T19:24:00.000-04:00

I haven't been feeling the hottest lately. I've been trying to not 'run' from things, you know bad things that happened, things that went wrong... I've been trying to face the pain and deal with reality. Only.. once you collide with it.. it isn't so easy, it's very draining and I find myself wanting to burst into tears just at any moment.

Tonight I had to seriously try not to think about it and make a real effort to take myself out of that emotional state of mind. I felt myself going over the edge into 'absolutely inconsolable' ( ie "my whole life is torture") territory.

I thought it was a good idea to face things and deal with what is instead of constantly denying it like I was but now I'm not so sure. I mean when I look at things and honestly allow myself to 'feel' it's almost paralysing. It's absolutely completely draining.

Not to mention you're not a smidgeon of good to anyone else in the world! Forget having fun with me! or seeing a smile on my face, hearing my laugh. I cannot be anyone's sunshine even for a half second like this.

I am sorry about this. I wish I were easier to be around and to be friends with. I wish... sometimes I know my friends must be confused.. they're not quite sure which Marisa they're getting. So many times I absolutely wish I could, but I'm just unavailable mentally and emotionally... it's like I can't talk to you tonight. I can't focus on what you're saying because I'm so consumed by what's bothering me.

cognitive dissonance

it's heavy as an anchor

falling on a small child's brain

the lies

like bullets

pierce the soft tissue

neighborhood bully

2006-07-18T15:28:00.000-04:00

by Bob Dylan

Well, the neighborhood bully, he's just one man,
His enemies say he's on their land.
They got him outnumbered about a million to one,
He got no place to escape to, no place to run.
He's the neighborhood bully.

The neighborhood bully just lives to survive,
He's criticized and condemned for being alive.
He's not supposed to fight back, he's supposed to have thick skin,
He's supposed to lay down and die when his door is kicked in.
He's the neighborhood bully.

The neighborhood bully been driven out of every land,
He's wandered the earth an exiled man.
Seen his family scattered, his people hounded and torn,
He's always on trial for just being born.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Well, he knocked out a lynch mob, he was criticized,
Old women condemned him, said he should apologize.
Then he destroyed a bomb factory, nobody was glad.T
he bombs were meant for him.
He was supposed to feel bad.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Well, the chances are against it and the odds are slim
That he'll live by the rules that the world makes for him,
'Cause there's a noose at his neck and a gun at his back
And a license to kill him is given out to every maniac.
He's the neighborhood bully.

He got no allies to really speak of.
What he gets he must pay for, he don't get it out of love.
He buys obsolete weapons and he won't be denied
But no one sends flesh and blood to fight by his side.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Well, he's surrounded by pacifists who all want peace,
They pray for it nightly that the bloodshed must cease.
Now, they wouldn't hurt a fly.
To hurt one they would weep.
They lay and they wait for this bully to fall asleep.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Every empire that's enslaved him is gone,
Egypt and Rome, even the great Babylon.
He's made a garden of paradise in the desert sand,
In bed with nobody, under no one's command.
He's the neighborhood bully.

Now his holiest books have been trampled upon,
No contract he signed was worth what it was written on.
He took the crumbs of the world and he turned it into wealth,
Took sickness and disease and he turned it into health.
He's the neighborhood bully.

What's anybody indebted to him for?
Nothin', they say.He just likes to cause war.
Pride and prejudice and superstition indeed,
They wait for this bully like a dog waits to feed.
He's the neighborhood bully.

What has he done to wear so many scars?
Does he change the course of rivers?
Does he pollute the moon and stars?
Neighborhood bully, standing on the hill,
Running out the clock, time standing still,
Neighborhood bully.

Copyright © 1983 Special Rider Music

i l s e r b a a e n l o n

2006-07-18T15:08:00.000-04:00

I thought it might be add a couple I thought very pertinent things someone else on that particular list pointed out in response to that last post.

One person in the article compares Israel to a bully. Yes Israel holds much greater military might/destructive power. However there is also a wide gap between the two sides in terms of destructive intention. A great part of the terrorists agenda (and outright statement of intent) is to plainly wipe Israel off of the map. Israel at least has not reciprocated this wish to absolutely and totally destroy all the people on the other side.

"This group ("New Profile") stands squarely in the tradition of Chamberlain, and we would surely see the same result if this group's ideology became Israeli (let alone American, British, or even, more fully, European) policy. Appeasement never works, especially when your enemy considers your very existence to be a blight on the human race, or an abomination to their God. New Profile begins its profile statement with, "We, a group of feminist women and men, are convinced that we need not live in a soldiers' state..." "

That said.. today we learned that Israel blew up a Lebanese miliatary base. I can't see any rhyme or reason for this. It's not right at all. That's exactly the kind of thing that will turn people against them.

Ian Alexander in Israel/Palestine:

2006-07-18T00:50:00.000-04:00

::::in a separate post, here it is::::

Thanks to those of you who have written asking about the situationhere and expressing concern. Things in Jerusalem are relatively safe.I even managed a visit to the barber in Bethlehem (haircut then shave,wonderful) where the TV was showing the latest from Gaza and Lebanonand the chat was all about the attacks and what is happening. We are too far (we think and hope) from Gaza or Lebanon to get hit byrockets, but people are not going about there daily business as normal. There are fewer people on the streets as they sit glued to the TV.

At the beginning of these attacks I was up in the North. Acre andHaifa, Nazareth, Afula, Safed and Tiberias. All now have rocketslanding near them or in them. The neighbours of the Scots Hotel werehit and the Scots Hotel has been closed down temporarily and the staffsent home.
As well as being murderous (24 or more Israelis are dead) it is a hugepsychological blow. Israel is a society where the military is part ofthe mythology of the society and is celebrated and lauded in everything from books teaching reading and writing to school children to adverts for beer and phone companies. An Israeli woman, Ruth, told me of her journey to understand the depths of militarization of hersociety and why she opposes it and why she joined an organisation working for the "civil-isation" of Israel society. New Profile(www.newprofile.org) believes that: "While taught to believe that thecountry is faced by threats beyond its control, we now realize thatthe words "national security" have often masked calculated decisionsto choose military action for the achievement of political goals."

Mihal, another New Profile member, is worried about how themilitarization of Israeli society leads to increasing amounts ofviolence in the home and sexual abuse in homes and in the army. Thereare currently some high profile cases here of abuses of women whileserving in the military. It has been under a lot of scrutiny. Mihaltold me that now only about 50% of young people serve in "the people'sarmy" because many get out of it through medical or psychological conditions. Show you are a bit disturbed and you need not serve. But50% of the young people disturbed? It's a scam, Ruth and Mihal toldme, and the army know it and collude in it. They cannot find work forall the people who do go so it's a relief to have some who won't. Evenonce in the army, there is not enough soldiering, so many get sent towork as teachers' assistants. One bad aspect of this for Ruth is thatthe military becomes glamorous for the children as these young "rolemodels" wear their uniforms in the classroom and have their gun slungover their shoulder.

The attacks in Gaza and Lebanon are sold to the Israeli public asresponses to attacks on Israel. But most commentators here see them aslong planned operations which just needed an excuse to be carried out;and the capture of Israeli soldiers on the borders of Gaza and Lebanonbecame that excuse. UK Foreign Minister, Dr Kim Howells in aParliamentary answer, quoted UN Statistics that in May and June 2006,the Israeli military had fired 3077 shells into Gaza while 369Palestinian home-made rockets were fired from Gaza into Israel. As acolleague here wrote in her blog: "This is a ten-to-one ratio, andthese are expensive, engineered rockets compared to the shop classFrankensteins that the Gazans are Duct taping together. (The fatalitynumbers also reflect the disparity.)"

In the past 2 weeks Israel has killed 76 Palestinians and injured 222(Palestinian Red Crescent Society) and in the past week nearly 200 Lebanese have been killed, including a Canadian family of 7 on holidaythere (BBC). An Israeli military spokesman was quoted as saying it wasnot Israel's fault and that the family should have left the villagebefore Israel bombed it…I am not sure if the Israeli military sendsomeone to tell them….

The majority of the dead seem to be civilians. The EU and US talkabout "restraint" but Israel continues to devastate not military cellsbut Palestinian and Lebanese civilians. And most people worry thatthis is not a strategy but a reaction to salve the military's (theworld's 4th most powerful) hurt pride. As Gideon Levy writes intoday's Ha'aretz:

"Every neighborhood has one, a loudmouth bully who shouldn't beprovoked into anger. He's insulted? He'll pull out a knife. Spat inthe face? He'll draw a gun. Hit? He'll pull out a machine gun. Notthat the bully's not right - someone did harm him. But the reaction,what a reaction! It's not that he's not feared, but nobody reallyappreciates him. The real appreciation is for the strong who don'timmediately use their strength. Regrettably, the Israel Defense Forcesonce again looks like the neighborhood bully. A soldier was abductedin Gaza? All of Gaza will pay. Eight soldiers are killed and twoabducted to Lebanon? All of Lebanon will pay. One and only onelanguage is spoken by Israel, the language of force." And maybe alsofear.

Uri Avnery, a former Knesset member, commented: "Like George Bush'sinvasion of Iraq, Ehud Olmert's invasion of Gaza has an aim thatchanges from day to day."

"'War' is a defined situation regulated by international law. It takesplace between enemies, who are obliged to observe basic rules. But theIsraeli government asserts that it is facing not an enemy with rights,but "terrorists", "criminals" and "gangs". And those, of course, haveno rights. In a war, there are "prisoners-of-war". That applies toCorporal Gilad Shalit, who was taken prisoner in a military action, aswell as to the Palestinian fighters who are held by us. But our government defines Shalit as "kidnapped" and the Palestinian prisonersas criminals. It seems that the Jewish brain is inventing newpatents (as a popular Israeli song once said). After the UnilateralDisengagement and the Unilateral Peace, we have now a Unilateral War.A war in which one side (the stronger) enjoys all the rights of abelligerent party, while the other (weaker) side has no rights atall."

The taking of prisoners by Gazan and Lebanese militias is what sparkedthis present crisis. Israel currently has both Lebanese andPalestinian political prisoners. The Nelson Mandela Institute forHuman Rights (www.mandela-palestine.org) based in Ramallah, reportsIsrael is holding nearly 10,000 Palestinian political prisoners,including 122 women. Defence for Children International puts thenumber of Palestinian children in Israeli custody at 388. Hamas hasdemanded the release of all female and minor Palestinian prisonersheld by Israel in exchange for Shalit. This would mirror previousdeals done to exchange prisoners between Israel and the PLO andbetween Israel and Hezbollah as recently as 2004.

The Palestine Center in Washington, DC notes Israel's imprisonment anddetention of Palestinians is an example of Israel's "failure to abideby international law and the Fourth Geneva Convention. Administrativedetentions, imprisonment without due process and imprisonment insideIsrael are illegal under the Fourth Geneva Convention.

Furthermore,Palestinian prisoners are routinely tortured by Israel. Afif Safieh, the Palestinian representative in Washington related an experience of a few days ago: He was walking to his office when he ran into an acquaintance who was very "agitated" and "disturbed" byHizbollah's action last week.

Safieh responded: "I quietly told him he reminded me of a Jewish joke a friend once told me. In a country governed by a repressive military regime, a boy comes rushing home and, breathless, announced to the family: "The police is massively in our neighborhood and have arrested all the Jews and the barber". The different members of the family all together responded" "Why the barber? How horrible!".

Safieh added: "you seem to be interested only in the barber. Whatabout the Jews of this story, who, in this case, are the Palestinians? I left my office two hours ago and there were already 18 Palestinians killed in Gaza. Probably by now, there will be 22-23". (There were23).
"How often do we encounter that type of selective indignation as though (Palestinian) blood and tears do not count. As though our dead deserve to be killed. As though our victims are nameless, fatherless,motherless, childless… worthless? There should be a limit even toindecency."

There should indeed be a limit, even to indecency.
And the international community must signal that it is right now.

Ian Alexander
========================================================
Ian Alexander works for Quaker Peace and Social Witness as an EcumenicalAccompanier serving on the World Council of Churches EcumenicalAccompaniment Programme for Palestine and Israel ( www.EAPPI.org). Itsaim is to support Palestinian and Israeli organisations working to endthe Occupation of the West Bank and East Jerusalem in non violent ways, and to work for ajust and lasting settlement of the conflict within international law. The views expressed here are personal and do not necessarily reflect those ofQPSW or the WCC.

IsraelLebanon

2006-07-18T00:35:00.000-04:00

It's funny that I should have written about Lebanon a few days ago (or rather Lebanese girls) given what's going on there now. I'm very sad when I think about it. In fact I don't want to think about it, it seems far too complicated, too hopeless.

I was reading the history of Lebanon the other day and man they have had a lot of conflicts. I feel bad for them. Who would like to have their airport blown up ? I feel bad for the Israelies. Who would like to have terrorists blowing up nightclubs full of your sons and daughters, just on the cusp of life ?

The Lebanese can't control the terrorists within them (pls remember that Lebanon is about half ? Christian as well.. at the very least these people don't support the terrorists..not to mention the terrorists restrict and terrorize them as well.) so someone is *helping them but unfortunately that help involves blowing up their capital city at the same time.

Someone on one of my lists posted an article from one of their friends in Israel about the crisis. It's not incredibly supportive of Israel's current actions. . . but I found it somewhat interesting so I thought I'd share it here. I think it's always good to get a different view....

friend

2006-07-13T20:31:00.000-04:00

I just read this on one of my email lists and I thought I would post it here. To be truthful it sounded kind of cheesy the first time I read it but now it makes perfect sense.. well almost perfect ;-)

The best kind of friend is
the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
never say a word,
and then walk away feeling like
it was the best conversation you've ever had

When I read it tonight I thought about my best friend. Sometimes when she logs onto messenger she'll just msg and say "hi" and after that really nothing needs to be said. Sure I've had problems and issues with my day and she's had with hers but we just both share the odd feeling of being perfectly content to sit and look at a blank screen.

The other day I realized this. It's funny cause I've really only known her for about three years but it's odd that you can know someone so well that you don't even need to say anything to know that they care or that they're with you in whatever you're going through. But all the same it's very nice too... and as I said, a tad bit weird ;) that you can come to know someone that well. As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that not everybody has this, many people have never experienced this (even up to a little while ago I'd never experienced it!). I guess I'm very blessed to have it. Funny, possibly some of the best things in life you can miss noticing/being grateful for because they are at the same time so simple and absolutely intrinisic/essential. eg the sun/God... no sun no food, no animals, no people, no nothing... no God... no nothing...

Know any Indian-Lebanese/Lebanese-Indians ?

2006-07-13T00:50:00.008-04:00

EDIT: 25th March 2010

[I noticed that this blog post has become the number one hit on google when you type in Lebanese-Indian, and a few people have emailed me about it, to say that they are Lebanese-Indian or their children are or they are in that exact mixed race relationship, so I decided to set up a forum for us to post pictures, talk about family relationships/kids, culture, identity and experiences growing up at:-

Lebanese-Indian/Indian-Lebanese

(I'm also hoping to amend this post at some point with some pictures of Indian women. (Since I felt it's a bit unbalanced to have only Lebanese women on here). Originally I did not include Indian women originally because I grew up with a lot of Indians so this was never a part of me that I felt was lacking. I'll put it like this, I've cradled tons on Indian babies in my arms but never once a Lebanese baby, don't know how Lebanese children generally look... which is a bit odd when you think about it, given that I was a half Lebanese baby...)

Btw I wrote the following post over three years ago and it was an added challenge for me growing up biracial and trying to make sense of people's expectations (cultural or otherwise)for me (in the post below I'm struggling with the idea of whether I look right, what I should look like)as well as dealing with my early awareness of people's sometimes differing attitudes and treatment to each of my parents based on their race.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I dunno what happened the other day but I was rather just struck with this urge to meet some other Indian-Lebanese people. (The truth is I don't think I've EVER met any.. except maybe this girl in the mall once but it was only for a minute and well just a brief chance meeting etc) You've probably realized by now, I'm birracial. My mom is Lebanese and my dad is Indian. The truth is, growing up it was always rather odd. For one thing (well just to begin with!) I always wondered what I was 'supposed' to look like (since my mother and father look nothing alike! just to start with mom has olive skin and dad has red-brown skin) And to tell the truth there weren't any Indo-arabs or anglo-indians/european indians around for me to compare myself too (I did/do know a few Anglo-Indians but they live/lived far away and I really only got to see them once every few years.)

It may sound rather silly but really this caused me a great deal of stress growing up! It is also one more reason on the list why I would have really appreciated some brothers and sisters! If I did have some I imagine I would have been able to compare myself to them in this aspect and feel satisfied that I was 'normal' (well hopefully ;-) and like I would 'fit'... Growing up, in a certain sense, I never exactly felt like I fit. (God knows maybe it's too much brain power or something... I figure other kids might not have even noticed it!)

Anyway.. it may seem odd to people but I often wonder what's "my" race ? The thing is that to pretend to fit with either of my parents' races I'd have to forget about half of my genes... But I often fanticize about just fitting in 'totally' with no "but the other half..." I'd like to find a place or at least find a group of people where I'm 'exactly' like other people.. at least in that sense.. Where I feel like they're "my" race.

Truthfully I don't always feel this way but the sentiment does surface from time to time.

I don't know maybe this is a self acceptance issue. But it's also a real curiousity for me.. imagine you'd never met anybody of the same race as you!

Anyways so I was looking around on the internet. I figure if I can't "meet" any other Lebanese-Indian people at least maybe I can "see" some to verify that I look normal ;) *sigh* but no such luck.. the closest you'll get is Anglo/European Indians (who are actually extremely interesting looking if you ask me... a lot of them look like you can't quite tell 'if' they're Anglo or Indian.. depends on the light and the angle I guess! but really a lot of them can pass for either.)

Anyway! so since I don't really know a lot of Lebanese (really I don't, besides my aunts and my mom and well my cousins are all only 'halfties' like me so they don't really count ;) PLUS you have to look at young people to get an idea of how a race really looks... I mean you really can't see clearly from 60 yr olds) I was looking at some of them on the internet..

A few interesting things...

(hmm my mom probably looked a bit like this when she was young.. with the olive skin and blue eyes)

now let me just point out something with the eyes...

to you this girl looks angry right ?

wrong! I may be wrong, but I'm beginning to think this is a thing with arab people's eyes. I garrantee you this girl is not angry. I'll tell you why, I have my mom's eyes, and I get a very similar 'look' about me (ie same expression) on many occasions and people often assume I am angry and when actually I am NOT... and I dunno I think it's just something with the shape of the eyes and the features or whatever.. ;-) not to mention that when I "do" get angry (or even just sad it seems to express the same way unfortunately)... well apparently then I look really angry then. I guess it's kind of a slight disadvantage eyes that can unintentionally 'express' anger.. or at least to other people's interpretation.. would be interesting to go to the middle east and see if (well I'd imagine not ?) people still misinterpret, seeing as a lot of people have eyes like that!

okay and my second point..

right here, maybe it's the photography or I'm imagining things but these girls do have a slight 'sleepy' look don't like ? like their eyelids, they're eyes are almost just closing a tad bit ?

Maybe I'm overanalyzing (you know that's just what I do analyze everything!) but I'm guessing it could be something also to do with the shape of their eyes ? I also get the "are you sleepy ? you look like you're tired" comments (though I have to admit this is usually when I'm sad.. so it is something I guess not soo intrinsic..)

okay so maybe tomorrow we'll do Bollywood (and Indian girls... actually I think some of these girls here actually look quite Indian..)

one thing, I do think they have amazing mysterious eyes though

<--- it's like you can never tell just what's in them

as long as you don't think they're angry/mean looking (;

forgotten piece

2006-07-11T19:57:00.000-04:00

I lost a part of me
Last night I thought I saw it in your eyes
And I wanted to ask about that part of me you held
I wanted you to say more
Mystery you gripped me with one glance
Can you tell me again ?

I think you still hold it
For a minute I saw it
I thought I saw it again and again
And then it was gone
You said no more, wanted no more
Even if I wanted to know, I couldn't ask you
I couldn't give

I was trying desperately
But somehow I couldn't show you what you wanted
I'm afraid if you saw the depth of it, it would scare you away
And I'm afraid, I'm sorry it IS so much what you wanted
So much what I wanted to show you
I'm sorry you're not interested in friendship
In anything less or anything more

I want so much to tell you
the flicker you thought you saw is real
More real than you
Yet my hands are tied
I can't explain you, I can't tell you
Without showing you other things
Things that might break your heart

Maybe you'll see one day
I wish you hadn't looked up
I wish you hadn't looked into my eyes
And I wish I hadn't seen what was in yours
'Cause I can't seem to forget now
I can't seem to forget
And you find it so easy

the real me

2006-07-09T22:14:00.000-04:00

Today my mind just keeps going back to somebody that I felt I needed to hide the real me from.
The truth is that when I met them I was pretending a bit, to be something I was not. (Well I wasn't lying or anything but let me put it this way, I was not vehemently debating theology! ;) I was being a bit more meek and mild and just going along with things.) But you know (or you may not have known this), the thing about pretending is that, oddly enough, you're never totally the character you're play acting. On the contrary, real bits of you inveitably seep out.

I think.. this person saw some real bits of me... on a couple occasions... and liked them.

Now this makes for a very strange situation. Because it's almost like they half know you, they know you and they don't. And furthermore you're never sure how much what they like is the real you and how much is the character you're painting.

But the deal is, well obviously I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't really like this person. I wanted them to see more of the real me but I felt I couldn't really show them the real me in spite of the fact that I felt that they would absolutely *love* the real me, well part of her at least. That's the deal.. they would have loved *part* of her. But what abou the other part ? I want to forget about the other part, the irresolvable, irreconcilable cognitive dissonance that it seems I can never ever get over.

You know it's not just the cognitive dissonance, there were other parts of me that I felt I couldn't show them as well. The strange thing is I wanted them to know me so much...and yet I couldn't let them. I kept trying to pretend that I'm really *happy-clappy* and (almost really dumb!) this person that's so totally unambitious and content working a dead end job and not studying. As much, if not more, than wanting them to know me, I was trying desperately to hide who I was. I was very very ashamed of who I was, horribly ashamed that I was suffering from debhilitating depression among other things. I was trying to hide my disappointment and frustration with life and with not having gotten my courses done or not knowing WHEN I will finish them because if I'd let this person know I was that ambitous I'd have had to answer the "why" question.... the big question "so if you want to go to University..*why* aren't you there yet ?"

The thing is I can't give this person what they want... at this point it seems I can't give my parents or ANYBODY what they want... I can't go back to the person I was when I was 12 years old and mercifully for a few months there was no cognitive dissonance. For once it all 'fit' mentally.

..hide me now..

2006-07-09T19:03:00.000-04:00

I don't know if it's just me.. but everytime I lead worship lately I just feel like I make myself extremely extremely vulnerable. I feel like *everything* is out there.

I wonder if anybody else feels like this... I've never heard anyboy mention feeling like this.

I don't know if this is just me being unsure and maybe scared that people will judge me. Funnily enough I never worried about people judging me before (well like five years ago.. when I used to both passionately sleep in church and teach children's church! ask me about that sometime ;) it's an interesting story and omgosh I was very sincere in it all) but lately... it's peeling the skin off of me. I don't know why but what people think has begun to matter soooo much. It's almost like I think their opinion "is" reality..ie it equal's God's. Weird huh ?

Worship went very well today actually (thanks to the support of some lovely people) but.. still I'm stuck with this "feeling"... this curious feeling of total vulnerability.. of having left myself totally open.. all my hopes fears dreams disappointments..everything to anything anybody might want to think or say....

thought you might like this

2006-07-07T15:30:00.000-04:00

hey guys.. I was just reading some of my old posts (from 2004!) on my bible reading notes blog.. and I don't know if you've ever gone there but I think you might enjoy it.

I set up that blog so I could just make notes while I was reading. I used to just get sooo distracted with all my questions and thoughts and stuff (as you'll be able to tell from that blog, there's a LOT of questioning and thought, not to mention laughter going on!)

here's a little quote from it (the plain text is the text, the italics are my thoughts).

(reading from Mark 6)

34When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.

They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages[18] ! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?"

They’re like, “is this really the most spiritual thing to do?, to spend our entire ministry budget on relieving the famine in that African village ?”

lol probably I'm biased, but I just cracked up reading that today.

Anyway although I didn't get very far with it, some of the comments are pretty funny. I actually do have a whole huge word file iirc with italicized notes on the book of Matthew somewhere around.. maybe I'll dig it out and post it someday just for people to laugh at my questions and crazy ideas.

for those that are interested here it is

Sapphire Kisses

self a c c e p t a n c e [part 2]

2006-07-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

Today I'm thinking about self acceptance once again. I know I wrote about it before, but I suppose it would be foolish to think that you could capture such complex topic or long personal journey (whichever you chose to think of it as) in one post.

I was thinking today about stupid people ( ;) and people actually stupid enough to simply call other people stupid and not use a nice euphemism/pc term for it!). I was actually talking to my mother about it and she said, "well my guess is if you're stupid you probably wouldn't even know it." But then I pointed out (perhaps illogically) that we all have felt stupid, so therefore there is such as thing as feeling/knowing you're stupid. Just perhaps if you ARE stupid... you experience it more often ? I've was thinking, "wow I guess stupid people just have to accept.. "I'm stupid... None of the universities will accept me and I'll probably never get out of this janitorial thing all my life.. and all my friends will have tons better cars and lifestyles and houses than me, all because they're smarter and I won't cause I'm stupid. But I love and accept myself as I am... even with my stupidity, even though I'll never get anywhere great in life because of it." <----- ;) now I know it is very wishful thinking that a stupid person would actually complicate the thought that far! but..(really stupidity/low intelligence was a bad example... I just sort of picked it off of the top of my head as a "weakness"/"flaw") I think you get the gist of what I'm saying.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you have to accept yourself weaknesses and all, even if your weaknesses are REALLY bad weaknesses..and even if they might ruin your life (in other words "you" might ruin your life! with your overeating or overspending or whatever be it..) I mean some of our weaknesses we *can* change, and those are actually easy to deal with cause you just change them right ? but some you can't.. or you may think you can but really it's incredibly frustrating cause maybe you still can't.. and sometimes they may be HORRIBLE flaws that are really going to cost you a lot, in other words "you're" going to cost you a lot! and yet... you still have to love yourself, anyway.

I remembered a story that I'd heard a while ago the other day, and for some reason it just stuck in my head. I guess maybe fascination or emotional reaction or something. The story is of this boxer that went to the Olympics and the night before his performance ( ? do you call it a performance or what ?) anyway the night before his great chance, that he'd worked and sacrificed so much for all these years, he broke his hand...... in a bar fight.

What do you think of that ? That story absolutely stuck in my head. I cannot get it out. And when I think of it it's like "ouch!" You broke you hand in a bar fight right before your big chance ?!!!! The thing is, it's almost like something that maybe you would think of your worst enemy doing, coming and breaking your arm, absolutely destroying your dream, devastating your career. But when it comes down to it, your worst enemy is *you*. What do you do with yourself after something like that ? I mean not only in terms of forgiving yourself (sure forgive the guy that did that but please keep him in prison FAR away from me so he can't hurt me again) but in terms of living with yourself, I mean it's like this person is not just a person you maybe don't like, but also a serious liability! I mean what if they pull a stunt like that again ? And most likely they WILL pull a stunt like that again...since if you're stupid enough to do something like that it seems you're generally stupid enough to do it twice... Whatever character trait..whether it was temper or sloppy impulse control that set you up for that devastation the first time will likely set you up again and again.. and you *can't* run away from it.. because to a certain extent it IS you. What do you do ?

Well I know this guy went on to live his life and he raised his kids and he had pretty healthy kids emotionally so I'm guessing he went on to live a relatively normal and happy life. I guess what I'm saying is that this guy somehow managed to not only forgive, but also accept himself in spite of *the scorpion inside.*

I guess what I'm so fascinated over is that people manage to accept themselves not just *with* their flaws but with absolutely harmful, damaging, horrible, terrible, devastating flaws. They manage to accept and possibly love the parts of them that are tearing *them* apart. Doesn't that just twist your brain ? It does mine.

guess who else's birthday it is ?

2006-07-06T23:26:00.000-04:00

Today my father and I threw my mom a surprise birthday party. I think I spent the whole day walking around on eggshells worried that she'd somehow find out about it! Then when it was time to get her out of the house I was especially antsy since my dad said "well can't you just let her go take a nap and then you can make the garlic bread and let everyone in the house ?"

I said, "Good grief you know mom, if she wakes up and she wants to go in the kitchen there will be NO WAY to keep her in that bedroom." So finally he agreed and concocted a story (well not really a story...he actually just told her the truth ;) minus the party bit!/reason for the drive!) to to take her out for a drive.

Then she wanted me to come. I was all anxious because at that point I had someone hidding outside the house with the shopping bags full of party supplies! I was absolutely antsy too, I could *not* sit still, even pretending I was watching TV I just kept flicking the channels. There was no way I could 'go' with my mother though so I had to convince her, "noooo I'm tired... " (which actually isn't that unusual for me.. I have this little emotional exhuastion thing going..) So FINALLY we got her out...and then boy was I overwhelmed... I had about 6 loaves of garlic bread to make in half an hour! ! And to top it off guests started arriving!

Not to mention, I had not cleaned the house yet because I could not very well clean and put away everything with my mother around. So here am I trying to put away dishes, direct garlic bread making, tidy house and direct guests arriving all at the same time! *very frazzled*

Anyway FINALLY all the guests had arrived and my mother and father pulled back into the driveway...and... I opened the door for my mother... and she saw the cake on the table and said "what's this cake ?!" and as if on que (sp?) a bunch of looney adults jumped out from the foyer yelling "surprise!"

We had about 35 people, almost exclusively from our church (well that was a whole other little challenge..since as the Pastor you have to invite practically everybody!)

Anyway.. I guess what I'm really meaning to say is I feel quite content right now. I feel like for this moment all is right in "my" world. I really really wanted to make my mother happy today. Often she feels like people don't like her or that they like prefer others to her, which is really painful (both for her and and for me just hearing how she feels.) As much as I wish I could I know I can't solve her problems for her.... actually usually I feel like I can do nothing at all! (if not more harm than good). Anyway I wished that I could make her feel special and cherished and 'liked' even just in a small capacity and today I'm very content that she felt that. I'm not really one for writing 'sappy' posts (I suppose this sounds sappy..it's not really deep and beautiful or anything) but I'm very very glad that she felt special and very good about herself today.

;) for all the d fans out there that title is a reference for you... it's Martin Smith and Stu G's birthday as well today!! (or if you already knew that, which I rather think you ought to! in that case I guess the who else would refer to my mother ;)

my other list...

2006-07-03T18:54:00.000-04:00

I thought the first one went really well so decided to make a second list of things I've learnt.... about life....

in no particular order:

... when trying to start a conversation with someone. Try out at least five or six questions/topics before giving up. Introduce a wide variety of topics. What you may read initially as disinterest/dislike of you may quite likely be disinterest or discomfort with that particular topic. eg just try it, go ahead and ask me if I'm in university! or what I'm planning to do with my life! ;) that conversation is going to come to a c o m p l e t e halt I garrantee you ;) It seems getting a conversation going is a bit of a hit or miss deal in terms of hitting on the right topic, unless either the person is very eager to get to know you or an absolute extrovert...

... when you're about to do something you've never done before or something that's really important..(eg university, starting a business, getting a job, taking guitar lessons, buying a car/house, raising a child) ask a wide variety of people for advice, even if you don't think you need it (we rarely think we do! think back to your last big mistake, you didn't think you needed advice right ?!) You'd be amazed at what people who have done stuff before can tell you, even pretty ordinary seeming people. Not to mention, it will probably save you a lot of money and grief!!

... Trust your gut sense about people... in detecting 'users', 'losers' and (if you ask me those two are basically synonymous!) insincere people... it seems mine is almost never wrong... somehow it seems little things about them always make me feel ever so slightly uncomfortable. Truthfully most of the time, I either don't trust myself enough to really act on it (especially if they're really *fun* and enjoyable to be around) or, I'm just interested in 'feeling good' at that moment, and not wanting to think about reality/the future...

... that feeling of frustration you have there, the tightness in your chest ? no it's not a heart attack! ;-) I'll tell you what it is, it's you, delicate flesh and blood, banging up against cold hard reality. No wonder it hurts! Accept reality.. reality is not what you're trying to make it.. yes what you're trying to do is hard if not impossible (now I'm not saying it's impossible.. I'm just saying you need to adjust your expectations and don't keep thinking it should be easy..because obviously it's a lot harder than you thought..)

... bad things happen in life....REALLY really bad things... and the horrid truth... is that, all it seems we can do is accept them. In fact the best we can do is accept them. Trying struggle against them more often than not resembles banging your head against a wall in both sensation and result.

... little glitches in our plans happen A LOT. One should make peace with them and if possible even try to make the best and eek some enjoyment out of them. You know it always seemed like these little glitches/disappointments were absolutely unique to me. (I thought I was the only one that forgot my change of clothes when going to the beach or the ketchup for my hamburger or my Identification card when flying domestic....) They happen to all of us. It seems a fairly significant portion of our lives will be spent dealing with these things.. or being bored... or doing stuff we're not particularly fond of. When I add it up it sure comes to a large portion of one's life it seems, so I figure it makes sense to have a plan/ attitude to make the best of these situations.

... don't fall in love (well actually I mean infatuation.. cause I think love takes a lot of time and effort and energy to develop) with someone you've just met or who's only flirted with you twice. That's not a wise decision! Only start really enjoying every bit about someone if they come to belong to you... only when and if you marry a person or at least get engaged to them.. then fall in love and go nuts over how wonderful every detail about them is...

... don't not deal with your emotions.. not dealing with something won't make it go away. In fact trying to avoid things often makes them worse or in the case of emotions makes them last a lot longer. The worst case scenario is that the thing you do to try and relieve/avoid the pain (lets just pretend it's food or even alcohol) ends up causing you a LOT more pain in the long run.. and now instead of one you have two painful problems to deal with.

well hope you enjoyed this list.. though truly I think the first one went better (;

2006-07-02T17:14:00.000-04:00

can you tell I'm suffering with a mango obsession ?! I swear I have been waiting on these mangoes for three months to ripen, possibly longer! And actually at this point it's just about killing me, they positively LOOK ripe.. but they're not.. sigh.. I have to leave them on the tree for another two weeks it seems like..

and well just for the heck of it.. figured you might be interested to see, my mother's grapevine (no grapes don't technically grow here but grapevines do ;) It's a wild sour grapevine and the reason we have it growing on our wall is because my mother makes a lovely Lebanese dish with the leaves, rice and minced meat all rolled up in them and cooked, flavoured with cinnamon, tomato and chicken.. anyway as far as me and a lot of other people are concerned (yes I know that's bad english ;) the grapevine is well worth cultivating and keeping around just for that purpose..

life

2006-07-02T16:42:00.000-04:00

Well... today I got up and at first I felt icky like usual but then (I'm absolutely not kidding ... I think it had something to do with making a good decision about what to have for breakfast.. though rather scratching my head about why this would have such a far reaching effect) I felt positively GOOOOOD. Even when I got to church, for once no one asked me, "are you feeling ok ? you look rather sleepy!"

I felt really good. And then I taught Sunday School and maybe the kids caught on cause it went lovely. We had a really good lesson and the children were so responsive and just sweet. I just enjoyed them very much. I taught about the Samaritan woman and we had a quiz question, "how are we supposed to treat sinners ?" It's so funny the overwhelming response of the children was "correct them, tell them what they're doing is wrong!" However the correct answer to that question was "be kind to them." I tried to emphazize that, I think that is one simple message that is sorely lacking in the church.. either because it is just plain untaught.. or I dunno human nature.. lol *remembering the children's response* "correct them!"

As I was packing the children's 'prayer journals' away after church today, I couldn't help wondering, "is this at all a result of the talk I had with that guy last week ?"

Last week we met a couple old friends, the first couple my dad married actually. The wife used to attend our church but now this lives in Virginia (I think...) together with her husband who is a pediatrician. I don't know exactly what happened... I suppose my mind was on a ton of things as usual.. and her husband is really really nice...just a very sweet personality. Anyway I think my dad was asking him about his job or something and he started saying how he really enjoyed it.. and I was just watching him with his children and it was obvious that he was quite attached and 'in tune'/very close to them. And I guess it just like hit me... All these months I have been feeling like my life's been sucked out of me, and ambivalence toward practically every and anything.

"No I don't know what I want to do.." I keep answering everytime someone asks, "I'm just interested in so many things. I just want to learn a whole lot of stuff."

But like I saw it again, for an instant, my dream... To go to work, take care of kids and then come home to my own little loved ones. I was suddenly permeated by a tenderness at that thought, a fondness that was very familiar, even though I hadn't felt it in years.

The truth is, I don't know.... at this point if any of my dreams will come true.. however I'm working on me. I'm working on accepting and loving me with all my weaknesses and dangerous faults, regardless of what they may be or what they may cost me.

life's shadow

2006-07-01T19:44:00.000-04:00

I don't feel the greatest today. If it seems that every bloody day I come on here and complain about feeling lousy.. it's because I do. Unforuntately people have a rather sort attention span or tolerance level for those things. :( *sigh*

Today (or was it yesterday) I think I figured out the cause (partially at least) for my constant overwhelming exhaustion, the thing that makes me just want to come home and collapse every day. Things with people at work aren't going well. I feel like I'm constantly in 'uncomfortable' situations or rather 'impossible' ones. While at the same time I'm *convinced* that no one else on earth would find these situations difficult, they're extremely draining for me. The truth is, I don't even feel that they're so draining until I come home and I just want to lie on the sofa because I'm exhausted. I'm absolutely exhausted and like the thought of anything, going to the gymn, reading, studying, calling to encourage someone.. anything at all... is just too exhausting... it's like it just hurts.

I'm trying to figure out how to replenish myself or at least to stem the draining effect. To top it off, next Sunday I have to lead worship with a team that doesn't believe in my ability, nor do they respect my having any musical taste or expertise at all. The ENTIRE team thinks they know more than me and would be better qualified to lead.. can you yelp "ouch" cause that's how much it hurts!! I don't know if this worship deal is the the best thing for me especially as I'm currently trying to replenish energy, not have it further drained. *sigh*

I'm just like sooo tired. And the truth is I'm sooo unhappy. I'm not happy about anything at all. Everything that happens, even the *good* stuff.. is nothing that I want....nothing that I ever wanted at all. I love my friends here but to be honest (and this hurts me to say) they don't stimulate me at all, they don't crack me up the way Ruth does or wow me with their insight or advice or intelligence...it's just...... the same ole same ole.. I'm incredibly disappointed...

I'm so disappointed with my life it's like it's soo difficult to enjoy anything....nothing that I have do I even WANT... there is nothing that I LIKE about my life... nothing... I'm not studying what I like, I'm not talking to people that I like. I'm not meeting people that I like, I'm not discussing things or doing things that I like. I feel completely.... completely... just like everything....EVERYTHING...'s been wripped away from me!!!

For a while.. a short (and actually bitter while because even while it was happening.. while it was sweet.. I knew that it couldn't purge the underlying bitterness from the reality of the past 10 years) while, I actually enjoyed something. There was a guy that I liked, he seemed very lovely (he seemed inside to be just like me... when asked how he got saved he said "one day Jesus, he just came and got me" there was such a simplicity and childlikeness almost about it... a real humilty and sincerity...) and along with seeming very lovely he seemed to like me back (at least for this very short while). I felt very fulfilled, I felt a brief reprieve to the "EVERYTHING in my life is so bitter tasteless", I felt "ok this how I wanted my life to be!" But now, it appears he's lost interest, or I dunno I failed to capture interest or whatever (even after my I-so-wish-we-could-forget-i-ever-did-such-a-thing- lousy "hey..hope everything went well with you" phone call *ouch!!*)... so it's back to tasteless bitter......

I'm despairing that I'll ever meet anyone like that again... at least not on this island... I never.. like any of the guys I meet... and I'm never rude (if you know me at all you know that I'd never *never* intentionally hurt someone's feelings) but somehow I think they still sense it... they sense my lack of admiration/being impressed...

In defense of my sanity

2006-06-29T14:20:00.000-04:00

Just in explanation/defense of my sanity (; that last post was an excerpt of a letter to an acquaintance, that I'm never going to send.

2006-06-29T09:56:00.000-04:00

Oh how I WISH we could have seen eye to eye on the God thing. I did see eye to eye with you on the God thing.... in 1999. Except I didn't see eye to eye with you at that point on Benny Hinn. Don't know how that would have went down (;

I suppose now... if I want to find me a mystic.. I'll have to go to Kansas City.. I'd advise you go to the same place...

Friends

2006-06-28T17:54:00.000-04:00

This post.... is dedicated to all of my friends (; well the good ones at least! j/k

You know, sad to say that it took me this long to realize it but I have some really good friends. The truth is, part of why it took me this long to recognize it, is that I thought I was never good enough/deserving of good friends, and (I know this is incredibly twisted..) consequently I could only attract 'losers' to me ie not lovely people. I really really believed this.. and to an extent I'm still working on changing my thinking.

My friend Ruth often jokes, "if only 'uncool' people are attracted to you Marisa, then I'd hate to know what my rating is on the cool scale, I must be below the depths of the depths!!!!"

But seriously.. you know what gave me a major lesson in friendship and made a huge statement about both the type of friends that I attract and the type of friend that I am ?? It was watching other people's "friends," watching how other people/acqaintances of mine treated their friends. On several unfortunate occasions I've been witness to people that pretend to be so buddy buddy and absolutely such great friends with others tear them down and say bad things about them. I've watched people just sit and listen while bad things were said about people they were apparently very close to and about whom they 'apparently' cared a great deal, and do nothing. Not a word, one time my mother (who is quite straight laced for all her faults) said to one of these people "why didn't you stand up and defend __ ?! she's YOUR friend ?" and the other person simply defended themselves saying, "ohh it wouldn't have mattered, they wouldn't have listened to me anyway."

You know sincerity was never something I cherished in others, until I encountered the gross lack of it. And believe me when you encounter that, it will really make you raise your eyebrows (so much that your whole view of the world tilts slightly) and you will change how you look at things. The truth was I never realized that sincerity was something that some people (in fact a lot of people!) lacked. I just assumed it was a given! You have friends you're loyal to them, right ? wrong.. You know it was the first time I realized that I didn't want some very 'popular'/some very enjoyable company people even!, for my friends.

I've also realized lately, that I'm worth cherishing, and if people can't cherish me, if they're unstable or they pick and lose other people according to the 'flavour of the month' or who's the most advantageous for them to be friends with right now (ie who can buy them lunch or make the pastor like them or help them get close to someone powerful/prestigious) I deserve more than that. I don't deserve to be treated that way and I need to protect myself from unstable people/users like that. Not even so much because "ohh they're a user, they only like you for what they can get!" but rather it's very hurtful not to mention damaging to be just dropped or 'abandoned' like that and I don't deserve that. I just don't deserve to be hurt like that. Ok I think I've said enough (; I guess I rest my case (;

cheers of the day go to the lovely Ruth, who's been trying to like Chinese food on my behalf (: (: (: Now is that isn't a friend I don't know what is ?!

2006-06-28T17:32:00.000-04:00

Tobago

2006-06-28T16:45:00.000-04:00

Ok, these are long overdue.. I've been meaning to post them for ages (They're from our trip to Tobago that we took in May (; Yeah I know I forgot to mention that too!)

yeah sure make me feel horrible :(

2006-06-26T23:50:00.000-04:00

I'm not feeling too good today. The truth is, at the moment I feel absolutely lousy and I have no clue why. Well there is this guy, and I made this phone call and I'm not sure exactly how that will go, also my mother has been bugging and BUGGING me about eating... and I feel I just feel horrible. When she does that it makes me feel "sick"... I dunno but it has some psychological effect on me where I literally start to feel very little and scrawny and weak and ILL....

I think that's what I'm feeling. I'm feeling very ill and I'm also feeling exhaustion. I feel rather emotional exhaustion...maybe from trying to fight with my mother... trying to convince her that I'm alright... She's stressing her self out cause she thinks I'm dangeriously thin, which I am NOT! I am quite happily curvy the way I normally am. She is driving me up a wall though! She's been nagging me about it not just this weekend but for almost the ENTIRE last week. At this point I think I am willing to PAY money to go see a doctor together with her just to get some peace and quiet. I feel emotionally exhausted. I am really stressed out. I feel really down...like I don't want to fight anymore. I just feel soooooooo tired. I just want to lay down and sleep.

Self L O V E

2006-06-15T23:05:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about self love and self acceptance a lot lately. I did post on it a couple times a while back. And then I guess either I thought I was getting a handle on it or more likely ;) I got bored..or distracted...

But now I find myself thinking about it again, out of necessity. It's something I really need to work on. It's just been becoming more and more amazingly clear to me in the last weeks and months that if you do not love yourself first you cannot love anyone.

It's been hammered home to me in so many ways, so many different situations. For instance with my focus on healthy eating and taking care of my body I've been able to motivate a lot of people to do the same as well. Also it may sound really cheesy to say this but I've seen or I'm coming to believe, that as a wife and a mother you hold much of the health of your family in your hands. ;) The hand that holds the spatula also decides how much oil goes into the food! Most guys I know just eat what is set before them! If you can't cook well for yourself, how will you cook well for them ? And if you can't motivate yourself, how will you motivate them to take care of their health ?

I'm not not trying to say that people can pawn off responsibility for their own health, just I've observed that for instance in my own home, my mother could very easily put my father on a diet ANY OLD time she wanted! because he eats what's set before him, only she just doesn't much care to....probably because she doesn't much care to for herself... ---> motivation.. how do you motivate someone to do something that you can't motivate yourself to do ? And even if you *can* be motivated yourself, can you motivate the other person with the right method of motivation (ie in a positive/uplifting way instead of criticism and punishment) especially if *your* method for yourself is negative ? I think not.. I think it would be nearly impossible to motivate someone *positively* if the way you motivate yourself is with self hate and criticism.

I'm also thinking it would be impossible to give someone devotion, dedication and priority if you can't first give that to yourself. If you are so used to just giving in to other people's demands to your own detriment, in terms of a family you will carry right on (perhaps go even further!) doing that to their detriment as well. Put another way, if you are too weak to stand up for and love yourself, you will be too weak to stand up for other people as well. If you cannot love yourself when you fall and fail, when you make a clown and fool of yourself, you won't be able to extend that same grace to anyone else, simply because..you don't possess it.

frustration...

2006-06-15T22:24:00.000-04:00

hey it's me again (; well duh I guess, who else would it be ? I'm not having the greatest day today *aside from the fact that our soccer team lost their match at the world cup to England* I've been thinking about a lot of things, I have several 'pressing' problems on my hands, but seem to be unable to come up with solutions or even insights into the problems.

It's frustrating.

I feel like I should be able to solve this/figure it out. I think it's because I *wish* sooo much I could figure them out and right away too. I don't want to be patient, I've been patient for years and some situations seem no better now that 5 or 10 years ago, perhaps worse :-(

I don't know if you've ever been there but it's particularly frustrating to struggle with something that no one else around you is struggling with. It can somewhat almost "negate" the problem and make little of the gravity and difficulty of your problem, if that makes sense. Add to this the *invisiblity* factor "What's your problem ? YOU have a problem ? I don't see any problem! You're just like everyone else! Why can't you just do likewise ?" especially when your problem is invisible as mine is/are.

I would like to throw some ice at a wall... or at some people. ok not really at the people ;-) Seriously I have felt like strangling some people a few times lately, not that I'd even like to fanticize about it.. but you know..just that level of frustration.

As with a couple of my problems it's also incredibly frustrating to *think* you've solved them only to have them resurrect themselves! *sigh* Ever been there ?

I guess.. I just want to see/feel some validation for my efforts. I deserve so much better than this!!!!! I'm trying soooo so hard and I want to see some... I dunno... something for my extreme hard work.. pray for me, ok ?

anthropo ? phobia

2006-06-14T18:36:00.000-04:00

Sigh... I'm tired... gosh I had a long day today. I had a few people difficulties. You know, I have this huge fear that things with people will just go wrong in work/school situations etc. It's like "omg I'm going on a camping trip with these people...what if they just get mad and don't talk to me ?!!! what the heck am I going to do ? oh that's going to be soooo horrible!"

Yeah I know life is not a camping trip, but even in work situations etc it would make life really lousy if everyday you spend eight tense hours with people that aren't particularly friendly to you.

Anyone else ever get that fear ? I realize it's been a fear of mine since I was five years old. I've never gotten over it..

At the same time though...it's odd.. I mean if it isn't going to work with people...if you have a lousy lonely camping trip...it's not going to kill you...or is it ? All the same it's like internally.. I just can't handle it. I can't handle the thought. It's like I have this internal "It will absolutely KILL me for that to happen!" tape running.

Ever felt like that ? What is your phobia ?

the big question and the dress

2006-05-13T22:23:00.000-04:00

Sigh, I've had a long day today. Thankfully it included some shopping ;-) (well actually it included a lot of shopping come to think of it!... just most of the shopping wasn't for me I guess) In frivolous news (excuse me I have this crazy idea that my blog readers always expect something deep... which could only be my fault right ? cause I have trained them that way!) I bought this really nice (and might I add really expensive... yes at $250 TT ( $42US) it's the most expensive dress I've bought to date.. ) dress... I also bought some stuff for my mom, an angel figurine that she liked and a picture frame my dad liked. It was really nice for once to be buying stuff with my own money instead of having to ask my dad. Yeah I think I like that feeling ;-)

Then we went to visit some friends of my dad's who of course wanted to know, the big question! what am I doing with my life ? When am I planning to start University ? When am I going to get out of this island and get going ? sigh.. I know they only meant it in the best possible way.. just *sigh* it's still hard. esp since my standard and carefully perfected answer did not jibe with them! When asked I replied, "well I'm sorting out some stuff before I got to school."

"What stuff ?" <--- can you say "ouch" ?! Dang the smart! the overly curious!!

"ummm various things. "

And then just as I was getting into a good little mini explanation from my father's friend (yes I was actually looking forward to meeting my dad's friends, quite smart and knowledgeable, despite the strained relations about "when am I going to university") about the difference between the Greek and Russian Orthodox churches, my dad said "I know" and jumped in only to start explaining the difference between the Catholic and Orthodox churches at which point I'm scratching my head thinking, "but that's not what I wanted to know. What I wanted to know was--" *sigh* so I guess I will just have to look it up on the internet now.

Ohh I forgot to mention choir practice.. I had choir practice today. My last choir practice before "the crusade".. Choir practice was.. lousy :( No amazing choir leader (she was in the bahamas what the heck is she doing in the bahamas ?! ) and even worse, no amazing keyboardist, whose style/patterns I was really looking forward to eavestropping on/analyzing. Let me not start on the story about the amazing soloist I tried to compliment/encourage...all I will say is "ouch story." Oh, did I mention that my throat was also sore and I felt horrible so I hardly did any singing ? I tried to make the best of it though, I did listen to the rest of the choir practice and sing our parts over and over so hopefully even though I didn't actively participate it's still lodged in my brain for next week.

In closing... I have one last thing to say... "I want to hear a long very heavy theological sermon!!" Seriously my brain feels mouldy or something.. I just feel discontented when I don't get a good influx of thought food coming in.. will discuss more on that later..

acceptance

2006-05-04T01:44:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about acceptance lately. I realize I am somewhat lacking in this department. It wasn't modelled too often for me growing up. Now I'm realizing my mother isn't too good with acceptance. She kind of struggles against things. Yes it's good to struggle against things but sometimes when you can't change them it's time to accept and quite whingeing about it not being right, indeed is not right but constantly railing against it doesn't do anything but make 'you' very unhappy.

It's like when someone dies, that's it, they are dead. You prolong the greiving process if you continue to struggle against it, you are struggling against cold hard facts.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about self acceptance. Yup my parents never got a grip on that either. I wonder how many of us are like that we never accept people just as they are, we say we love them even now but truly in our hearts we are always hoping for them to change, maybe unconsciously we're always on a little 'friend/family' improvement quest ? I admit I'm like this, somewhat (or especially ;-) with my mother. There are things she does that irritate me to no end! (you thought you were the only one ?!) like when she screams for me to put the I-can-barely-hear-what-they're-saying TV down because it's "TOO LOUD!" or when she suddenly announces that "we have to leave early this morning!" even though I haven't woken up any earlier to make up for it (I can't hurry..but that's another story), not to mention the almost constant negativity, "I don't like how that looks. This really isn't that great. That horrid horrid woman!" and emotional outburts. I admit it, I often fantasize about 'fixing' my mother. Some days more than others I want to ship her off to counselling.... but somehow the truth is.. I have to accept her, whether she changes or not...and odds are (as much as I don't want to even acknowledge them) at her age, the possibility of change is somewhat unlikely.

It's hard accepting people. I'm aware that we often want to keep the good but lose the bad. Sometimes Christians even use the bible as an excuse not to. I'm not speaking about judging and villianizing the unmarried mother. It's a lot more subtle, usually, imo. We may not 'outwardly' criticize people or not accept them but inwardly, how can I put it, we kind of kindle this 'hope' for them to get 'better' or less sinful or at least 'solve their problems.' Nothing against wanting the best for people..but at the same time there's a certain contentedness that comes with acceptance, almost a lack of hope for them to change, a satisfaction with them where they are at NOW. I feel we miss that a lot. At least I've seen it missed a lot. I've missed it a lot.

To be honest. I don't think I ever exactly understood acceptance before. I understood accepting the good.. the bad however.. especially accepting the 'bad character'/bad parts of a person you love... this was totally alien to me.

rant...misinterpreted/misrepresented

2006-04-28T23:19:00.000-04:00

Arggghh! I'm dying! I just lost a whole lonnnngg blog post :( anyway.. the gist of which was that people are misinterpreting me totally... and I'm upset about that. They're misinterpreting not merely my words but what I'm doing with my life, where I am at in my life and why I am here. Furthermore they keep throwing this advice at me that shows they know NOTHING about my true experience, or ME and my struggles at all. It's just hard... people having no conception of the things you struggle with at all... assuming that you have no problem with them and that your problem is rather laziness, or lack or ambition..or IQ....

People think I am where I am in my life because either (yes I know either implies two but please pick one of the three then you can join the club ;) I'm lazy, I'm unambitious/unmotivated....or I'm dumb(and I'm trying to do something ie go to university/study etc that I'm just not cut out for).

Sigh.. well I checked today.. and I'm certainly not dumb (at least to my analysis.. I can barely play the piano or make any progress in music....which I used to do quite well as a child, not to mention math skills/ability to drive a car being kaput because of my concentration but somehow I'm managing to read philosophy etc and write out answers with it seems only half or a quarter of my brain power...I figure to be able to do that over any length of time I must have something up there!..not to mention I find myself wondering out of the blue about random things like the 'best fit' line I learned about in physics years ago and wouldn't it work if you could just added all the slopes, of the lines from the dots to the origin, and averaged them ?!.. )

It's just frustrating people seeing you for something you're not. At the moment I'm not sure anyone truly sees me for me. What you're seeing, what they're seeing I think is at most a shadow of me. That's very frustrating in itself. You want people to see you for you and you don't want people to assume you're struggling with something when you're not, neither do you want them to assume you're not struggling with or that it's not ok/valid, for you to struggle with the thing that you are struggling with (cause of couse that's just remarkably easy, why would anyone struggle with it, right ?)..sigh..

family...

2006-04-20T20:14:00.000-04:00

Today I had an interesting day. I didn't get up till 9 and when I finally got it somewhat together and had gotten ready to go to the gym, my dad asked me to go to a funeral with him. An aunt of his (well more like his uncle's wife) had died and there was tons of his family there (most of whom I don't know!) It was fun still, meeting some of my second cousins. I also met a few of my dad's cousins and one of my grandmother's brothers.

I really enjoyed meeting my grandmother's brother, she's been dead a few years (she died when I was about 15 I think) he looked just like her. He had her eyes, her nose, her lips and even her ears (yes her ears!) and the same shape of face. I started thinking about my grandmother. She was the grandparent I was closest to, maybe because she lived the closest by. I still remember how her house used to smell and how it would feel walking in there. When I was little, we'd go over there after church on Sunday's and she'd have cooked curried chicken for lunch. I feel slightly cheated that my grandma died when I was 15, even though she was in her late eighties at that point. The truth is I feel even more cheated because my last few years with her I couldn't enjoy her because I was under a cloud of depression. I don't know if anyone knows what it's like but the things you once enjoyed, the good things, start to feel rather unenjoyable. It's like life just starts to go tasteless. I know I enjoyed meeting her brother today more than I enjoyed my grandmother on occasions during those last few years. Being at a funeral today, I started thinking about her funeral, I wish I had attended her funeral. She died in Canada while I was still in school here. Anyway we had a few years together and a lot of great times, and I'm grateful for that. In spite of my regrets, I am very satisfied in a way, feeling that I did get to know her quite well and have her in my life quite a bit.

Today I also had a fairly long conversation with a second cousin of mine whom I was just introduced to. I was a little bit in awe as she's quite smart and/ at the very least has done quite a lot! She won a national scholarship (I think only 6-9 of that kind are given out every year) when she was a bit younger and went to England with it and became an actuary. Well that was enough for me, I was wowed! She was very nice, it was her grandmother's funeral. Through my dad's questions I found out that she's actually a Christian and attends Kensington Temple, in London. My dad asked her if she knows about delirious, and she said "yes actually I think they're playing at KT this weekend I think.." ;-) so there you go a delirious link!

I really enjoy being around my family. Growing up I didn't get to spend too much time with my entended family, mainly because only a couple of my dad's brothers and my grandmother lived in Trinidad (the rest is scattered a few other places...) I missed that, being with family subtly gives me a sense of belonging and 'rightness'. It's like "ok here is a place that I fit." For instance I think if I brought some of those people from that funeral to church on Sunday, people might finally understand me! They would stop wondering why Marisa is the way she is, at the very least they might stop wondering why I question so much, and remember everything and am generally so darn curious and perceptive, not to mention why I keep pondering the meaning of life!

Maybe huh..

I've learnt...

2006-04-18T18:41:00.000-04:00

Call me a copycat ;-) at least I got some inspiration, I'm piggybacking off of Enricka's post here. So what have I learnt in my great long 22 years ?

...money doesn't buy happiness.. (would be interesting if it did..but unfortunately it's not like some sort of drug that the more of it you have the more pleasure chemicals accumulate in your brain..even if it were..your brain would probably adapt and you'd just have less and less happiness as time went on anyway)

...getting along with people is important..it's important to have good 'people skills' because basically this is much of the pleasure chemical that the world runs on, people run on feelings, people like people that make them 'feel' good (yes I'm even sure they'd like Adolf Hitler if he made them feel good).

...life is not 'fair'...by getting mad at the unfairness and trying to 'judge' and make it fair, "she shouldn't have done that, I'm going to MAKE SURE she doesn't get to do that again!" you usually only make it more unfair and definitely more unhappy for yourself.

...never give other people, achievements, money, power, skills, looks the ability to define you. This is your greatest strength, knowing who you are for you. Don't give away your identity, despite how it may seem, being a Yale graduate is not better than being "you." Rather it's very hollow, doesn't compare to the flesh and blood, live, thick, breathing, loving you at all.

...the people that you really love the most in life you never come to love for things you can tell immediately eg looks, charm, IQ, money, education.. You come to love them for their heart, bit by bit especially when one day rather unexpectedly, they are just being themselves and they happen to do something simple that really touches you and means everything.

...be gentle (and subtle) in your relations with people..it's rather like surgery...brawn is 99.9% of the time countereffective, not to mention disastrous! In fact the more gentle you are and the more you release people to be themselves (knowing that you're not demanding or there's a threat of you being displeased/upset) the more effective you'll be. ps guilt is a horrible motivator, you want people to feel good, not bad :-(

...when you want to say 'no' or deny a request...there is no need to make a big production out of it (in fact people will remember your big production and be resentful)..mumbling no..and generally ignoring further requests usually gets the job done quite well.

...when you walk into a place, don't stand on tiptoes waiting to see what the environment is like, rather walk in and create the environment you want. If you want a warm, friendly, caring atmosphere where people are excited to see you, walk in an create that atmosphere by being that way for other people, they will very naturally learn and begin to reciprocate.

...banish the word "should" from your dictionary..it is counterproductive... Do absolutely with all your strength the best you can but forget 'should'. Reality is what it is. Saying that dogs 'should' sing is at best unhelpful.. at worst you might get bitten. Saying that friends or relatives or even 'I' 'should...' will not help to change things, it only make you resentful/feel guilty.

On planet S

2006-03-21T18:51:00.000-04:00

I read this today and thought it was very true.
The true gospel of the kingdom is that the great eschatological event that sets us free is not the coming of the end time revival but the cross of Jesus Christ.

The author pointed out some other errors in "Charismania" ;-)

Anti-discernment: The word from hell, "God offends the mind to reveal the heart".
Speculative understanding of Causation: You know it when you see it. ie feelings

Reminds me..today I was chatting with my mom and as always gave her a hypothetical question (poor woman I think I tie knots in her brain with my hypothetical questions! she hates them..) and it hit me, no wonder, she's a (myers briggs) S person! N people LOVE hypotheticals, S people are just like, "quit stressing my brain, is that actually happening ?- no! so just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it." They want to deal with facts not ideas.. and for all you N's out there *wink* remember a hypothetical (yes I know it doesn't seem so to you but trust me) is not a "fact," it's an "idea" and S people just cannot handle ideas (not necessarily intellectually but it just drives them up a wall).

So what have I learned from this little escapade ? Well in the future I will ask my dad my hypothetical questions.

Oh yes, how does this connect to the discussion on "charismatics".. Well, it reminded me of a saying amoung charismatics that I intensely disagreed with, "We don't need theology, we just need Jesus!" Thinking about it today, I was like "no wonder I disagreed with that, I'm an N!" and the person that probably said that was an S. That's S people to a T for you, "give me the facts, don't confuse me with ideas, just tell me what happened, what's going to happen and when!" They don't want to know about why (especially not why!) where, or how! ;-) While obviously that sort of statement would just about drive an N up a wall, "What ?! no theology!! but we have to know "why" Jesus came to earth to understand what he did on earth!" lol and meanwhile.... the S people are already massaging their temples for the headache they're starting to get....

Mangoes... dreamily

2006-03-18T09:29:00.000-04:00

"America's new nuclear and trade pact with India means that America will finally get Indian mangos. "

I got this little stub in my inbox today from the new york times and what can I say it definitely caught my eye. I've been dreaming of mangoes for months now.. I got upset in the supermarket the other day, for goodness sake this is a tropical country! but I can buy grapes and apples yet no mangoes :-(

The Fruits of Diplomacy

By MADHUR JAFFREY
Published: March 12, 2006

WHATEVER anyone else might say, America's new nuclear and trade pact with India is a win-win deal. India gets nuclear fuel for its energy needs and America, doing far better in what might be called a stealth victory, finally gets mangoes.

Not those pleasantly hued but lifeless rocks that pass as mangoes in most American grocery stores. Definitely not the fibrous, unyielding, supersized Florida creations that boast long shelf life and easy handling and shipping but little else. They might hint at possibilities but provide no satisfaction.

No. What America will be getting is the King of Fruit, Indian masterpieces that are burnished like jewels, oozing sweet, complex flavors acquired after two millenniums of painstaking grafting. I can just see them arriving at the ports: hundreds of wide baskets lined with straw, the mangoes nestling in the center like eggs lolling in their nests.

These mangoes will be seasonal. Americans will learn to wait for them, just as Indians do. They cannot be pushed to grow in hothouses. Indian mango trees, many of them hundreds of years old (and some reputed to be thousands of years old) need to breathe the same free, fresh air Indians breathe and live through India's three main seasons: summer, the monsoons and winter. Only then will they deign to bear fruit.

They bear their pendulous fruit idiosyncratically, sometimes on one side, sometimes on another and some years, if they are so inclined, not at all. One generous tree in Chandigarh bore about 30,000 pounds of mangoes every year for 150 years until it was hit by lightning. Then it just fell over.

The mango season begins in early May (but alas, the bureaucracy won't move fast enough for us to get them this year). If they come in sufficient quantities, Americans might well learn to associate them with late spring. I can just see a sentence that my grandchild, or yours, might write: "It was the time of cherry blossoms and Indian mangoes ...."

Under this new arrangement, reasonably honest Indian-Americans will no longer have to turn into furtive smugglers to bring mangoes into the country. The one attempt I made was quite unsuccessful. A customs inspector, possibly noting my shifty eyes, asked me quite directly, "Are you carrying any mangoes?" Unable to lie, I had to reply in the affirmative. The mangoes were confiscated.

This would have been bearable had I not been able to peep through a slight crack in the customs office door, a few moments later. The officers were cutting up the mangoes and eating them. That hurt.

Mangoes seem to have originated in prehistory in the northeastern forests that lie near India's border with Myanmar. Buddha was known to have rested under their shady trees. Emperor Akbar (the third of the grand Moguls, ruling from 1556 to 1605), accelerated the process of planting and grafting by laying out a garden with 100,000 trees. The aim in India had always been to get sweet, melt-in-the-mouth, juicy mangoes with as little stringy fiber as possible.
And that is what India has now. Whether you buy the sweet-and-sour pale-skinned langras of Varanasi or the intensely yellow, sweet dussehris of Lucknow or the satiny, heavenly Alphonsos of Ratnagiri near Bombay, what you will be getting are mangoes that man and nature have perfected together. When these same mangoes entered Florida in the 19th century, they were mainly dismissed as "yard" mangoes. Too soft for shipping, they were considered lacking in commercial qualities. So all the fiber that had been bred out of them over thousands of years was bred right back, giving America the hard, pale rocks we see in stores today.

When you get your first Indian mango, perhaps an Alphonso, just hold it in your hand and admire its blushes of reds, yellows and greens. Breathe in its aroma, which will reach out to you through its skin. If it is hard, wrap it in newspaper and set it aside, unrefrigerated, until it yields very slightly to the touch. Mangoes are never "tree-ripened." The hand of man is needed to coax them to their peak. Wash them and refrigerate them. Then when you are ready, tie a napkin around your neck, peel, slice and eat.

Madhur Jaffrey is an actress and the author of "From Curries to Kebabs: Recipes from the Indian Spice Trail" and the forthcoming memoir, "Climbing the Mango Trees."

"You and me and all of the people..."

2006-03-09T23:53:00.000-04:00

"Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you"
-You And Me, Lifehouse

Today I was having a conversation with my mom and somehow I got onto the topic of a devotional I had done last summer in Guyana. I was explaining how different people might give you any of three separate answers if you asked them what I talked about. They all got different things out of it. I was trying to explain to her what my dad picked up on. My topic was "going deeper" with God but somewhere along the way I remarked that if we are "following God with the crowd" or only going to the level (in God) that the rest of the people/church are going to, we are never going to go deeper. There is is human tendency not to not want to be different, even if it's a good thing. Even if everyone else is say 'sick' or ugly, somehow we want to be that too, even though it's a horrible thing! We don't want to be the odd one out that's healthy or smart. Anyway my dad caught right onto what I was saying and commented on it. Basically you can either follow God or people...you will have to not fit in with people (maybe permanently, you will have to let go of your fear of being the odd one out certainly) to go deeper. Even if the 'crowd' does go deeper, you will never truly go deeper, your decision to go deeper can never be your decision if you always first look the right and the left to make sure you're in step with people. Something about the "only if people are going with me" quality of the decision somewhat robs it of sincerity. It robs it of 'authenticity.'

Put another way, in no way am I negating the concept of 'church' and 'christian community' but following God is a very individual thing. Like people like to say it's a 'personal relationship,' it's not 'you and me and all of the people!'

*wink* (yes I do admit, I amjust always out for any clever way to insert a mention of lifehouse or one of their lyrics.)

Hyppocratic/Ancient Greek Temperaments

2006-03-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

*sigh* I guess this is how much I care about everyone's opinion, cause I went and found one and did it...without bothering to wait for comments first. In any case ;-) I'll use the comments as indication whether or not to continue with my nutsness.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Truthfully I gotta admit, part of the motivation for putting this one up is that it's something I've been fascinated by for a long time, and it's rather not frivolous.

Whatchya think ? taking a comment survey ;-)

2006-03-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

Hey I was just wondering.... if I should add more "frivolties" to my blog... you know those little "put this code into blogger" things and then it shows up with a picture and some graphics saying "you're a slow romantic dancer" *wink Alex* or you're an ENFP etc..

Whatchya think ? I'm taking a comment survey ;-)

I figure it might somewhat brighten up and liven up my blog since I post such 'serious' stuff most of the time.

Hey, did you know that Martin Smith said he's NOT nostalgic ?!

2006-03-08T20:22:00.000-04:00

Today I was looking at a friend's blog... and something I saw made me smile, maybe not outwardly but I smiled real big at least inwardly. Gosh I've been thinking about so many things I hardly know where to start... *scratches head*

hmm I was going to start with most important...but that seems rather heavy

So in frivolous news, I dyed my hair yesterday. The box of dye I bought was for somewhat of a medium/dark blond color, though I never had the intention of going "blond" because I believe my hair is too dark to go "blond" without peroxide. But it did lighten it up a bit, which is exactly what I was hoping for.... except.... it got kind of 'reddish', kind of reddish brown. *makes a face* For those not in the know, "red" is not the color for olive skinned people, nor for the 'yellow' skinned imo. At least it definitely clashes with olive. However light brown or blond streaks do not, which is what I'm hoping for here. I tried a bit of red dye a while back (Tresha has leftover) and at first it darkened my hair but after a few weeks it faded to a very nice still dark brown though "brunette" colour. I'm hoping the red fades out this time as well.

On a more serious note, I often find myself thinking of people I've very closely 'connected' with at various points during my life. I was just thinking tonight about my best friend during high school. She was the first friend that somewhat "challenged" me or should I say stimulated me intellectually. I remember us being interested in the same stuff, writing, what it felt like to be 'mad' (she once wrote a little drama/monologue about it..and went on to win a prize for it!!). We used to come to school every Thursday (it was I believe) and overanalyze, picking apart in tiny little pieces what happened on La Femme Nikita, the night before, what each character said, what they meant, what they were plotting to get. Hey I believe we even put more paranoia/and extra scheming into the show than there actually was!!! I felt like she 'understood' me and really 'got' me though, at least in some ways.

I got to thinking about the delirious forum too, gosh man those days in Dec 2001/early 2002. I don't know if any of you d fan people come on here anymore, if you do, remember that ? Man I remember... I remember thinking, "us d fans are absolute absolute kindred spirits! Is this not just amazing how a band could say so much about a group of people ? So many similarities!" Philosophically (with respect to Christianity and life) I felt we were so alike. Wouldn't you still say so d fans ? I remember Mark (if you're reading this I still remember your "expensive" piece and the time you challenged us "So I would like to know who here supports a child ?!" along with yours and September's take that the human race is getting stupider *wink*), and Clare, and Ali (I think...memory's a little fuzzy as well as just 'when' she joined) and Verena (aka Morphena/fellow vineyard girl!), Isaac, Justin and Matt (Matt 1002 I think, I remember chatting with one night and discussing psychology...and he asked me if I'm by chance a psych major and what can I say I was so so flattered) and of course I left her till last cause I could never *never* forget September. :-) *sigh* gosh talk about likeminded! we used to come on the forum, forget to read a few posts that'd been added to a thread and each of us would post exactly the same thing just with different words! I'm probably exaggerating (I tend to judge according to my emotions) but that was just an amazing experience "getting" and being "got" by someone like that.

Oh yes, "emotionalism" which brings me to my next point.... I realized today *scratches head..wonder if it was today I realized this or before..* but I realize I have a problem with being WAY too emotional. Frankly it's gotten to the point where it's interfering with my life, my moods change at the drop of a hat (literally, it sounds funny or trite but in real life it's very serious and very seriously interfering with my life) and I'm almost 'overwhelmed' by them. It's not a matter of feeling joy or sadness but more like being hit over the head by a huge wave at the beach. I'm urgently trying to change this. The odd thing is, I've been emotional for so long that being "normal" and just maybe swayed but not overwhelmed by emotion, seems horribly "aloof" to me. I realized today, I'm somewhat afraid of being "unemotional." I fear I'll be cold, and *shudder shudder* calculating and manipulative. I fear I'll be unsympathetic and detached. I fear that to be unmoved by my emotions would make me be "unfeeling" and callous. *shudder*

Ohhh yes!!! and how could I forget while I was on my nostalgia trip, Joseph! I do believe you are my OLDEST internet friend! I met you shortly after I got signed on to the internet (before I even moved to Canada/while I was yet in high school in fact). I frankly cannot believe we are still in contact. I remember we met on another delirious discussion board (in 99') that wasn't 'quite' so active but we also met Tabby and she introduced us to d-fans (Jos you still on there ?) which is where I learned about the delirious forum!!! <--- see emotionalism again.. I think I should end now ;-)

post charismania

2006-02-19T21:07:00.000-04:00

I read an interesting article (well actually more like a group of articles) today, about "post charismatics"... These are people that "used" to be charistmatic/pentecostal. Apparently there is a growing number of disillusioned charismatics desperately looking to correct some of the excesses of the movement. Some of them are ending up as emergent or thirdwave and others are going back to non Charismatic churches.

In the words of my friend, "it just wasn't working for them."

The most common points of discontent are:

The Word Of Faith teaching (this includes prosperity, healing, positivity etc)
and The Pastoral 'Covering' teaching (your pastor is God's annointed so you don't dare question him, cause it's like you're rejecting God/rebelling if you do that.)

and Yup reformed Charismatic (when last I checked this was me
!) counts as post Charismatic ;-) cause you've seen some flaws in just plain "Charismatic" and tried to fix it..

Good news

2006-02-16T18:46:00.000-04:00

This may seem rather odd to post on here, given the usual content of this blog ;-) but I thought I would just share (since I often have posted 'discouraging' bits or when I'm discouraged about something.

I went to the dentist today...and he took x rays.....and NO CAVITIES!

I'm very happy! (because I'm the kind that hates going to the dentist/doctor/optometrist cause I'm always terrified they're going to find something wrong...and somehow I believe that if I don't go...nothing will "be" wrong... lol)

Can you myers-briggs me just from this blog ?

2006-02-09T17:51:00.000-04:00

Ever heard of the Myers-Briggs personality test ? If you haven't it's quite fascinating. You can learn more at Type Logic and you can take a version of it here

Recently I did it with someone and I came out as an ENFP. At first reading through the commentary and information on ENFP's I thought, "this is too sugary sweet for me.. I like more trouble than this and this bit about conflict avoidance here is nuts. I have nooo problem with conflict! just as long as it's not everybody that's mad at me all at the same time."

But now the more I think about it, the more it's beginning to make sense. I always percieved a huge amount of conflict (there it is again the c word ;-) between the F and T. I always felt so conflicted, "am I a mercy person or a justice person ?!" (not implying that you have to be one or the other but usually people do seem to fall on one side). Well according to Myers-Briggs, they are pretty much the same thing and an F would champion them both if they fell strongly in line with her values.

Another example is...well just the name of this blog! Who else but an NF would name call themselves any sort of "romantic" anything! You see the N's are dreamers (and romantics are great dreamers, that's the whole thing about romance, it's mostly all in the head/heart, without that dimension, with purely logic and the concrete...no romance, no idealization and dreaming up=no romance), they see all the possibilities and the F's are I think a little more touchy feely, making decisions on how it makes them "feel" rather than just based mostly on logic (haven't you seen that on here too ?!).

If any further evidence be required that I'm an N :) (apparently I scored a very strong preference for N... out of 25 points, I got 1 for S and 24 for N) look at the content of this blog, 99% of the posts here have to do with some sort of 'idea' or 'issue'. It's very seldom that I have anything "concrete" ("well my dog ate our plant today and then threw up all over the kitchen floor") to discuss. Even if something interesting did happen (and believe me interesting things DO happen ;-) a few months ago, we had a huge ratlike creature perch on the top of our gate with the dog barking at it and couldn't figure out how to get it down, so the dog would stop barking (was the middle of the night) until a neighboor came and knocked in on the head and carried it off by the tail to have the next day for dinner. Yup, manicou (sp?) meat is a delicacy here.)

Finally I am an E, which stands for Extrovert. Does that come across here ? ;-) For the past few years I have been living as an introvert and not really making much effort to make contact with people. I really like them, but I'm discovering I've been very scared of them all my life. I've always been scared that they'll misinterpret me or not like me or just be really unfriendly today. But I really do love having people around, even if they're just outside on my patio while I'm inside studying or watching TV, it means a great lot to me and I really feel "the more the merrier." I can use at least one best best buddy or about six friends on a camping trip (I'm serious...I just like people constantly talking to me). I hated being an only child growing up because I just hated being alone (still hate being alone...leave me in a house by myself for four hours and I feel like I'm going nuts!) That said, apparently I'm a bit of a borderline Extrovert... just a bit more Extroverted than Introverted.

Anyway I'm curious, have you ever taken Myers-Briggs and what have you come up as ?

PS I took this test five or six years ago and came up as INTP. (The "I" is highly suspect though since things were going very wrong at the time with people in general, and I was basically hiding out in my room from all the unfriendly/hurtful people.) The T...well the truth is the T and the F are still in a struggle...though I do tend to be very sensitive to people's feelings.

Bono's speach at the National Prayer Breakfast!!!

2006-02-06T17:36:00.000-04:00

Bono's best sermon yet: [RUSH TRANSCRIPT: CHECK AGAINST DELIVERED REMARKS]

If you're wondering what I'm doing here, at a prayer breakfast, well, so am I. I'm certainly not here as a man of the cloth, unless that cloth is leather. It's certainly not because I'm a rock star. Which leaves one possible explanation: I'm here because I've got a messianic complex.

Yes, it's true. And for anyone who knows me, it's hardly a revelation. Well, I'm the first to admit that there's something unnatural...something unseemly...about rock stars mounting the pulpit and preaching at presidents, and then disappearing to their villas in the south of France. Talk about a fish out of water. It was weird enough when Jesse Helms showed up at a U2 concert...but this is really weird, isn't it?

You know, one of the things I love about this country is its separation of church and state. Although I have to say: in inviting me here, both church and state have been separated from something else completely: their mind. Mr. President, are you sure about this? It's very humbling and I will try to keep my homily brief. But be warned - I'm Irish. I'd like to talk about the laws of man, here in this city where those laws are written. And I'd like to talk about higher laws. It would be great to assume that the one serves the other; that the laws of man serve these higher laws...but of course, they don't always.

And I presume that, in a sense, is why you're here.I presume the reason for this gathering is that all of us here - Muslims, Jews, Christians - all are searching our souls for how to better serve our family, our community, our nation, our God.I know I am. Searching, I mean. And that, I suppose, is what led me here, too.

Yes, it's odd, having a rock star here - but maybe it's odder for me than for you. You see, I avoided religious people most of my life. Maybe it had something to do with having a father who was Protestant and a mother who was Catholic in a country where the line between the two was, quite literally, a battle line. Where the line between church and state was...well, a little blurry, and hard to see.I remember how my mother would bring us to chapel on Sundays... and my father used to wait outside. One of the things that I picked up from my father and my mother was the sense that religion often gets in the way of God.For me, at least, it got in the way.

Seeing what religious people, in the name of God, did to my native land...and in this country, seeing God's second-hand car salesmen on the cable TV channels, offering indulgences for cash...in fact, all over the world, seeing the self-righteousness roll down like a mighty stream from certain corners of the religious establishment... I must confess, I changed the channel. I wanted my MTV.Even though I was a believer.Perhaps because I was a believer.I was cynical...not about God, but about God's politics. (There you are, Jim.)

Then, in 1997, a couple of eccentric, septuagenarian British Christians went and ruined my shtick - my reproachfulness. They did it by describing the millennium, the year 2000, as a Jubilee year, as an opportunity to cancel the chronic debts of the world's poorest people. They had the audacity to renew the Lord's call - and were joined by Pope John Paul II, who, from an Irish half-Catholic's point of view, may have had a more direct line to the Almighty.'Jubilee' - why 'Jubilee'? What was this year of Jubilee, this year of our Lord's favor? I'd always read the scriptures, even the obscure stuff.

There it was in Leviticus (25:35)...'If your brother becomes poor,' the scriptures say, 'and cannot maintain himself...you shall maintain him.... You shall not lend him your money at interest, not give him your food for profit.' It is such an important idea, Jubilee, that Jesus begins his ministry with this. Jesus is a young man, he's met with the rabbis, impressed everyone, people are talking. The elders say, he's a clever guy, this Jesus, but he hasn't done much...yet. He hasn't spoken in public before...When he does, is first words are from Isaiah: 'The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,' he says, 'because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.' And Jesus proclaims the year of the Lord's favour, the year of Jubilee (Luke 4:18).What he was really talking about was an era of grace - and we're still in it. So fast-forward 2,000 years.

That same thought, grace, was made incarnate - in a movement of all kinds of people. It wasn't a bless-me club... it wasn't a holy huddle. These religious guys were willing to get out in the streets, get their boots dirty, wave the placards, follow their convictions with actions...making it really hard for people like me to keep their distance. It was amazing. I almost started to like these church people. But then my cynicism got another helping hand.It was what Colin Powell, a five-star general, called the greatest W.M.D. of them all: a tiny little virus called AIDS. And the religious community, in large part, missed it. The ones that didn't miss it could only see it as divine retribution for bad behaviour. Even on children...even [though the] fastest growing group of HIV infections were married, faithful women. Aha, there they go again! I thought to myself judgmentalism is back! But in truth, I was wrong again.

The church was slow but the church got busy on this the leprosy of our age. Love was on the move. Mercy was on the move.God was on the move. Moving people of all kinds to work with others they had never met, never would have cared to meet...conservative church groups hanging out with spokesmen for the gay community, all singing off the same hymn sheet on AIDS...soccer moms and quarterbacks...hip-hop stars and country stars. This is what happens when God gets on the move: crazy stuff happens!Popes were seen wearing sunglasses!Jesse Helms was seen with a ghetto blaster!Crazy stuff. Evidence of the spirit. It was breathtaking. Literally. It stopped the world in its tracks. When churches started demonstrating on debt, governments listened - and acted. When churches starting organising, petitioning, and even - that most unholy of acts today, God forbid, lobbying...on AIDS and global health, governments listened - and acted.

I'm here today in all humility to say: you changed minds; you changed policy; you changed the world.Look, whatever thoughts you have about God, who He is or if He exists, most will agree that if there is a God, He has a special place for the poor. In fact, the poor are where God lives. Check Judaism. Check Islam. Check pretty much anyone.I mean, God may well be with us in our mansions on the hill. I hope so. He may well be with us as in all manner of controversial stuff. Maybe, maybe not. But the one thing we can all agree, all faiths and ideologies, is that God is with the vulnerable and poor.God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house. God is in the silence of a mother who has infected her child with a virus that will end both their lives. God is in the cries heard under the rubble of war. God is in the debris of wasted opportunity and lives, and God is with us if we are with them. "If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, and if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom with become like midday and the Lord will continually guide you and satisfy your desire in scorched places."

It's not a coincidence that in the scriptures, poverty is mentioned more than 2,100 times. It's not an accident. That's a lot of air time, 2,100 mentions. (You know, the only time Christ is judgmental is on the subject of the poor.) 'As you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me' (Matthew 25:40). As I say, good news to the poor. Here's some good news for the president. After 9/11 we were told America would have no time for the world's poor. America would be taken up with its own problems of safety. And it's true these are dangerous times, but America has not drawn the blinds and double-locked the doors. In fact, you have doubled aid to Africa. You have tripled funding for global health. Mr. President, your emergency plan for AIDS relief and support for the Global Fund - you and Congress - have put 700,000 people onto life-saving anti-retroviral drugs and provided 8 million bed nets to protect children from malaria. Outstanding human achievements. Counterintuitive. Historic. Be very, very proud. But here's the bad news. From charity to justice, the good news is yet to come.

There is much more to do. There's a gigantic chasm between the scale of the emergency and the scale of the response.And finally, it's not about charity after all, is it? It's about justice. Let me repeat that: It's not about charity, it's about justice.And that's too bad. Because you're good at charity. Americans, like the Irish, are good at it. We like to give, and we give a lot, even those who can't afford it. But justice is a higher standard.

Africa makes a fool of our idea of justice; it makes a farce of our idea of equality. It mocks our pieties, it doubts our concern, it questions our commitment. Sixty-five hundred Africans are still dying every day of a preventable, treatable disease, for lack of drugs we can buy at any drug store. This is not about charity, this is about justice and equality. Because there's no way we can look at what's happening in Africa and, if we're honest, conclude that deep down, we really accept that Africans are equal to us. Anywhere else in the world, we wouldn't accept it. Look at what happened in South East Asia with the tsunami. 150,000 lives lost to that misnomer of all misnomers, "mother nature." In Africa, 150,000 lives are lost every month. A tsunami every month. And it's a completely avoidable catastrophe.

It's annoying but justice and equality are mates. Aren't they? Justice always wants to hang out with equality. And equality is a real pain.You know, think of those Jewish sheep-herders going to meet the Pharaoh, mud on their shoes, and the Pharaoh says, "Equal?" A preposterous idea: rich and poor are equal? And they say, "Yeah, 'equal,' that's what it says here in this book. We're all made in the image of God." And eventually the Pharaoh says, "OK, I can accept that. I can accept the Jews - but not the blacks.""Not the women. Not the gays. Not the Irish. No way, man." So on we go with our journey of equality.

On we go in the pursuit of justice. We hear that call in the ONE Campaign, a growing movement of more than 2 million Americans...Left and Right together... united in the belief that where you live should no longer determine whether you live.We hear that call even more powerfully today, as we mourn the loss of Coretta Scott King - mother of a movement for equality, one that changed the world but is only just getting started. These issues are as alive as they ever were; they just change shape and cross the seas.Preventing the poorest of the poor from selling their products while we sing the virtues of the free market...that's a justice issue. Holding children to ransom for the debts of their grandparents...that's a justice issue. Withholding life-saving medicines out of deference to the Office of Patents...that's a justice issue.

And while the law is what we say it is, God is not silent on the subject.That's why I say there's the law of the land¿. And then there is a higher standard. There's the law of the land, and we can hire experts to write them so they benefit us, so the laws say it's OK to protect our agriculture but it's not OK for African farmers to do the same, to earn a living. As the laws of man are written, that's what they say. God will not accept that. Mine won't, at least. Will yours? [pause]

I close this morning on...very...thin...ice. This is a dangerous idea I've put on the table: my God vs. your God, their God vs. our God...vs. no God. It is very easy, in these times, to see religion as a force for division rather than unity. And this is a town - Washington - that knows something of division. But the reason I am here, and the reason I keep coming back to Washington, is because this is a town that is proving it can come together on behalf of what the scriptures call the least of these.

This is not a Republican idea. It is not a Democratic idea. It is not even, with all due respect, an American idea. Nor it is unique to any one faith. 'Do to others as you would have them do to you' (Luke 6:30). Jesus says that.'Righteousness is this: that one should...give away wealth out of love for him to the near of kin and the orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and the beggars and for the emancipation of the captives.' The Koran says that (2.177).Thus sayeth the Lord: 'Bring the homeless poor into the house, when you see the naked, cover him, then your light will break out like the dawn and your recovery will speedily spring fourth, then your Lord will be your rear guard.' The Jewish scripture says that. Isaiah 58 again. That is a powerful incentive: 'The Lord will watch your back.' Sounds like a good deal to me, right now.

A number of years ago, I met a wise man who changed my life. In countless ways, large and small, I was always seeking the Lord's blessing. I was saying, you know, I have a new song, look after it. I have a family, please look after them¿. I have this crazy idea...And this wise man said: stop.He said, stop asking God to bless what you're doing.Get involved in what God is doing - because it's already blessed.Well, God, as I said, is with the poor. That, I believe, is what God is doing. And that is what he's calling us to do. I was amazed when I first got to this country and I learned how much some churchgoers tithe. Up to 10% of the family budget. Well, how does that compare with the federal budget, the budget for the entire American family? How much of that goes to the poorest people in the world? Less than 1%.

Mr. President, Congress, people of faith, people of America:I want to suggest to you today that you see the flow of effective foreign assistance as tithing.... Which, to be truly meaningful, will mean an additional 1% of the federal budget tithed to the poor. What is 1%?1% is not merely a number on a balance sheet. 1% is the girl in Africa who gets to go to school, thanks to you. 1% is the AIDS patient who gets her medicine, thanks to you. 1% is the African entrepreneur who can start a small family business thanks to you. 1% is not redecorating presidential palaces or money flowing down a rat hole. This 1% is digging waterholes to provide clean water.1% is a new partnership with Africa, not paternalism toward Africa, where increased assistance flows toward improved governance and initiatives with proven track records and away from boondoggles and white elephants of every description.

America gives less than 1% now. We're asking for an extra 1% to change the world, to transform millions of lives - but not just that and I say this to the military men now - to transform the way that they see us. 1% is national security, enlightened economic self-interest, and a better, safer world rolled into one. Sounds to me that in this town of deals and compromises, 1% is the best bargain around.These goals - clean water for all; school for every child; medicine for the afflicted, an end to extreme and senseless poverty - these are not just any goals; they are the Millennium Development goals, which this country supports. And they are more than that. They are the Beatitudes for a globalised world.

Now, I'm very lucky. I don't have to sit on any budget committees. And I certainly don't have to sit where you do, Mr. President. I don't have to make the tough choices. But I can tell you this:To give 1% more is right. It's smart. And it's blessed.There is a continent - Africa - being consumed by flames.I truly believe that when the history books are written, our age will be remembered for three things: the war on terror, the digital revolution, and what we did - or did not to - to put the fire out in Africa.History, like God, is watching what we do. Thank you. Thank you, America, and God bless you all.

What a cool speech!
ps and I think it was v cool that little reference to Jim Wallis and God's Politics.. !!! although lol it was funny and rather ironic the way he did it, made it sound like Jim is trying to define God's Political views (which he is in fact trying to sort of "un do" though actually Jim is trying to define God's view in a sense..)

Unknown

2006-02-01T21:57:00.000-04:00

I heard a lifehouse song today and I remembered some of my blog friends making various references to "speaking in tongues"....and I was wondering did you know that Lifehouse has a 'tongues' reference in one of their songs ?! (*wink* is it just me or did I hear everybody say a collective "ouch!" when I said, "heard a lifehouse song today" ? I'm sorry I just love lifehouse songs and lyrics sooooo muuccchhh (esp the earlier ones before this last album).

here is the lyric, courtesy of yours truly!

"screaming in tongues at the top of my lungs, till I find you and you find me, and somehow I always knew that you would." -Cling and Clatter, Lifehouse

I also wanted to put a link here to something interesting I saw today. Check this out. It's a Christian guy trying to witness to and reason with athiests. Do you think we should be doing more of this as a church ? My friend, who claims to have given up the faith (that's where I got the link to the board from), says most Athiests think Christians are illogical and soft in the head (according to my friend we are all Christians simply because we grew up with it and it "feels" right *ouch!*) , but all the same they are apparently very eager to discuss faith. They want you to answer "their" questions, they don't want to dismissively be told to read Josh Mcdowell or Ravi Zacharias. They are desperately hungry for truth, if you can show them how it logically connects.

Reminds me of something a friend of my father's once told him (yeah this friend is a pretty smart guy, studied a lot of philosophy/theology). He said to my dad, "I have learnt the language of the athiest." Maybe more of us should learn to do that ? Now obviously all of us can't get a Ph.d from Harvard, but still I'm wondering, is intellectual laziness a good enough reason to not witness to people ? *bothered*

***btw you may have noticed I changed the background (indeed I did ;-) it's just rather subtle so you probably didn't notice it, but Alex darkened the background for me so the text (changed to white instead of cream coloured like before) is easier to read. Did you notice that ?) put some new links onto the sidebar...also if you are linking me from your blog and would like a link back, please leave msg for me in comments and it will be taken care of that (:

ps did not realize this when I first posted but to view the above link/forum you must be registered and logged in. I signed up and you can feel free to use my info,
cognitive dissonance
password fodsromantic

opps...

2006-02-01T16:05:00.000-04:00

Oh my, only after I posted yesterday did I realize what a heavy post that was... (and the greatest is I had just given someone I hardly know my blog address so they could get to know me better!)

I didn't realize it sounded "that" painful or horrible. I was just sort of 'writing' my thoughts and dang it came out sounding like I'm in horrible excruciating pain from rejection all day long everyday, and I feel like I'm worthless... *rolls eyes*

Why is it when you don't 'mean' to ask for sympathy people go "oh my" and when you could really use some... people only think, "Gosh she just complains about every little thing! If she only knew what real problems were!" and you get none ?? *confused expression*

All the same, I can only hope it helped someone, that someone reading it could go, "wow, someone else has felt/feels the same....hmm maybe I'm not that horrible a person after all."

rejection: the lies they told me

2006-01-31T14:41:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was listening to the Lifehouse song “Simon” (well more accurately watching a video, and the lead singer, Jason, has this amazing range of facial expressions, most with his eyes closed no kidding!). Watching the video with those expressions it was almost like a conversation on rejection. The song ‘Simon’ was written for a friend Jason knew who had been bullied. Jason said it brought back memories of his own feelings of rejection and alienation as a kid when he was writing it. Well it triggered memories and a few thoughts for me myself when I was listening to it yesterday. One of the lyrics says,

“And don’t believe the lies that they have told to you, yeah not one word was true. You’re alright, you’re alright, you’re alright.”

I started thinking about the ‘lies’ different people’s rejection tells us. I can feel the taste of rejection in my mouth when I remember certain incidents, some in the last decade but many in the last year, in the last few months. What it is, for me, is an overwhelming sense of being “wrong,” not being wrong, simply in the sense of having the wrong answer to the question, or having done something wrong, or even being ashamed and ‘dirty’.

I feel wrong in the sense of the Barbie doll that came out with the huge chip in her leg (“no these ones we don’t use, take it out, there’s something very wrong with it we can’t sell it”). At a very deep level it causes me to feel “defective.” I feel intrinsically ‘wrong.’

Though painful it’s not an overwhelming/overpowering feeling like anger, sadness or euphoria, but like tiger’s scratch it leaves a long nasty open wound. Usually it’s accompanied by sense of honest confusion, “Why me, what’s wrong with me ? Why not me ?” I feel like the newborn puppy the mother pushed out of the pen. Yes this actually happens, dogs sometimes will push aside a puppy or two of the litter and just refuse to take care of them. Many breeders have been tempted to interpret this as a sign, an alert to the puppy having serious health problems, thinking “momma knows best,” but in actuality, these puppies are usually perfectly healthy and have nothing wrong with them.

I have felt like that, excluded from the world of the living. I’ve had an overwhelming sense that people don’t want me here, and I should just go someplace else. It’s most especially painful, if you have next to you, someone else that is being readily accepted. Then you look at yourself and desperately search for the “reject me” sign. Not finding any outwardly you begin to wonder if it’s on your heart or soul or worse yet the core of your being, inextricably and intrinsically the ‘reject me’ sign it IS you.

Maybe above all, rejection is a very “alone” feeling. If there is something “wrong” with you, obviously it’s because you’re “not like the others” after all what defines ‘normalcy’ but the odds, the occurrence of something, whether it is more or less frequent. (I say that understanding the distinction between average and normal.)

That said, the logical part of my brain can't accept that there's just something intrinsically wrong with me, that and the fact that many other people have experienced horrible rejection and there was nothing intrinsically wrong with them. It was always some outward thing, many times unknown to the person that triggered the rejection, their social skills, the texture of their hair, the colour of their skin, their nervousness/uptigntness, the fact that they inadvertently came across as a threat, their body type/weight, the tone of their voice, the fact that they were a stranger and nobody smiles at strangers. That gives me hope, pulls me out of the metaphysical hopelessness. When I bring my logic to bear, it screams that "rejection is NEVER a personal thing"...there's always something logical that's rubbing people the wrong way, or there's something wrong with the people, their racist, depressed, sleepy. It's never "you."

2006-01-29T23:16:00.000-04:00

miami coastline

2006-01-29T23:14:00.001-04:00

this is church! seriously this is our church...

2006-01-29T23:14:00.000-04:00

from right to left, sheila, kayla and I (don't I look strange with all that make up ?!--okk ok I accept the trade off given that for once I don't look 12 yrs old!)

2006-01-29T23:13:00.000-04:00

hmmm

2006-01-29T23:10:00.000-04:00

Sheila again.. I think a slightly better picture

2006-01-29T23:08:00.000-04:00

here's my mommy! (just figured you should see her)

2006-01-29T23:04:00.000-04:00

this is a picture from October..the first time I wore a Sari..and yes it is really elegant ;-)

2006-01-29T23:02:00.000-04:00

trying out something with my blog

betrayal

2006-01-29T20:54:00.000-04:00

I just read this today and thought it was a rather interesting perspective...at least for me..

Let’s turn the concept of betrayal around. What really hurts is that we do not trust ourselves. When we are betrayed, we feel that we can no longer trust our own judgment, intuition and self-confidence; that our ability to discern is flawed. We lose our innocent and optimistic perception of others. We live in fear of being vulnerable again and therefore hurt. And to be honest, we must assume responsibility for the betrayal – otherwise we are victimized again. We have the power to choose to be hurt or not. Is there life after betrayal? You betcha!

10 things...maybe I wish I never had to say...

2006-01-22T14:49:00.000-04:00

I saw this on Clare's blog, and they say the highest form of flattery is imitation.. soooo Clare my dear ;-)....

The deal is that you:
-Write down ten things you wish you could say to ten people in your life
you're also supposed to disable comments, and never talk about it again in your life but I'm not going to disable comments, and not sure if I should promise never to mention these things, because I feel some of them might actually be very healing to some people if they were said.

so here we go... (warning: as I'm kinda intense/emotional, you know..this might get a bit hot and sweaty..)

1) I wish I could tell you how I admired you, how you were a symbol of everything I had been infatuated with for the last five years… I wish I could tell you how it hurt so much I couldn’t bear to see it..couldn’t bear the disappointment, the murder of my young idealism..when you decided that I was not one of your “people”…

2) I loved you so much but I am afraid now that you never really knew me. I’m sorry that you were always kind of guessing about Marisa. Why does she do this ? Why does she do that ? It hurts to think that you always suspected me of being a horrible person. I’m sorry that you never understood who I was. I’m sorry I wasn’t easy to “read” and get to know like an open book. I’m sorry you always suspected me of being lazy, and manipulating and very selfish when really I was not. I wish you could have truly known me back then for me. I’m sorry you felt you knew me so little that you chose to take someone else’s word over mine, someone you hardly even knew. I wish you could see me for who I am, a deeply compassionate, honest to death and a sincere person who is far too stupid with respect to secrecy and slyness to even know how to underhandedly manipulate. I wish you could know right now (though I would never say this because I don’t want to hurt you) how much the things you did and said still sting… I wish you could see and feel the memories of being absolutely alone and not having a person in the world to come to my defense..and not being sure anyone at all might understand…

3) I wish you could know that I love you and I’ve always been rather in awe of you. I never mean to take you for granted like I did. I wish so much I could be a much better______ to you. I only wish you could have seen me/gotten to know me more when I was well instead of sick. I wish you could know that I love your kids dearly. I see them like the little sisters I never had. I wish I could have repaid you for your kindness better, instead of with just my overwhelming sadness and neediness. I wish I could still care about you now the way I did then, that I just wanted you to like me and to be your friend. I still do just sometimes I end up wondering what you can do for me instead of what I can do for you. I wish we could talk honestly.

4) It’s not your fault. I like Jonah, running from my demons, never meant to bring them to your house. I wish you could know that I was deeply hurting when you tried to help and I was falling apart and that none of it, very little of it, was or is your fault. You didn’t fail at anything but please don’t blame me either.. I was trapped in a mess and I’m sorry I dragged you into my mess too.. It wasn’t your mess and you didn’t deserve to have to contend with it. Thank you for trying so hard. Thank you for fighting so bravely and putting up with me when I was at my absolute worst. We both did many things out of hurt that we are ashamed of but I’m sorry you had to see me like that. If I could I would bury that side, that time when I was like that away, and I would never show it to anyone.. especially the people I love. I would give them only my best. You were the only one who really understood me. I’m sorry if I destroyed that now. Even though you really hurt me sometimes, you were one of the best people in the world to me and I’m so sorry you had to see the worst side of me…

5) I wish you could know now that I’m grateful for what you did. I couldn’t even see then the fog over my eyes, the sadness was so thick. I’m grateful for you trying to help, for you inviting me over and bringing my books to me. Only now do I see that you must have cared. I’m sorry I couldn’t pull myself out of it and be friends with you. I’m sorry I couldn’t have smelt better and got it together and taken the friendship you were offering. I think we could have been great friends.

6) I don’t know who you are. You say you care so much but when I look at you your eyes are empty. You have been saying you cared for so long and I always believed you and always beat myself up, wondering, “why am I so sad when so many people care about me and are here ?” I’m sorry believed you and felt so horrible about myself for so long. I didn’t realize before that your words were only lip service…that I wasn’t at fault for being depressed because despite all your assurances to the contrary you really were never there and the truth was I didn’t have anyone in the world...

7) I’m sorry I didn’t reciprocate your friendship, I’m sorry I thought I was better and I didn’t have to make the sacrifices and love you the way you did. I’m sorry… I was just so screwed up…my brain and my heart..after all those years.. it wasn’t that I didn’t like you… I wish I could have been a better friend… You would have been an awesome friend. The truth is I was never able to really receive your friendship…I was so touched but I was always afraid to form bonds, always afraid I was going to have to leave and you would be ripped away…I was afraid that you might not be a real friend. You see, a friend hurt me once…and I closed myself off for years, to anyone I felt might need me or admire me in any way, because I felt sure they could not possibly like me for me, and could only want to use me. I’m sorry I spurned your offer of friendship. I wish I could go back and receive it graciously…I wish I could have just enjoyed your company without the fear and distrust.

8) I’m sorry I clung to you. I was furious with you for a while because I thought you saw my great need and, couldn’t be bothered, didn’t care to help, but now I realize you were only protecting yourself which you had every right to do. I’m sorry if I scared you with my obsession. I never meant to. I was just so hurting I was grabbing at anyone that could help me and I hope you know you were one of the only people that I always felt good around. Your company, your cell group, I looked forward to it every week, it was pure delight in a very dark world and I’m sorry to say it was like a drug. I never meant to need you in a way that would be stifling. I hope you know I like you not just for your degree. In fact I don’t care if you go and clean drains for a living I loved you for you. From the moment I met you and you complimented me, saying I was beautiful, I was in love with you both as people. I loved you for your intelligence and for the way you always seemed to understand perfectly what I was saying, but I think what I loved you both for the most, was your humility.. I loved you for the way you served us. You don’t know this but I once saw you stay late after church and take the time to listen to someone with a problem…I was touched. Thank you for your graciousness you towards me, even when I was rude and interrupting.. I honestly wish I had never let you down that time. I wish you could know I never meant to do that in the least, and I would never ever have left you hanging like that, had I been ‘well’. I’m sorry never got to see me ‘well,’ healthy, full of life and energy, able to give something more...

9) I don’t know if you’ll ever understand the pain you both caused me. Seeing you two together every week. I don’t know if you could ever feel the stabs it sent through my heart.. I never understood jealousy. I never understood why you hated me or wanted to attack me and steal my friend. I think when you saw the repercussions of it last year you were shocked. I don’t know if I want you to know, because it’s too painful, how worthless your leaving made me feel as a human being. I don’t know if you should know how it broke my heart and I lost hope that anyone had ever or could ever love me for me.

10) God I thought you would save me! And then you treated me like “nothing”… I was so choking on the disappointment I couldn’t even speak the words. You claimed you could save me! but instead you only brought me more pain.. I had to be pried away from you in the end.. because I couldn’t stop believing in you.. I couldn’t give up hope…

just wanted to note, number 10 is not addressed to God ;) (and no not to any sort of lover boy or anything either!). As mentioned, the people to whom this is addressed will remain unknown.

indeed reckless abandonment, but ever heard of 'informed' abandonment ?

2006-01-07T01:54:00.000-04:00

I don’t know if anyone here is a lifehouse fan ;-) if not well I suppose I have failed to convert you by now *wink*

For better or worse I feel a deep connection to the Jason Wade (the lead singer and pretty much lyricist for lifehouse) because of his background. Jason’s parents were missionaries in Hong Kong and a few other places when he was a small child. However in spite of his parents obvious dedication and sacrifice things didn’t go well for them. The people in Hong Kong were apparently quite hostile to them. He even remembers the people stealing their pet cat and burning and eating it. From what I can deduce his parents eventually went over to the YWAM campus in Hawaii to be mentored under some people there… unfortunately it seems like there was some unfaithfulness and their marriage eventually ended when Jason was 12. It’s quite poignant.

Familiar theme ? If you've known me or read this blog for any length of time no doubt you're probably shaking your head at how predictable my attraction is to a 'dark' story such as this..

The church in general hates to tell these stories…here were these people that gave up so much, they were obviously very serious and passionate about God (after all they moved over to the other side of the world! and I understand that Jason's father is a psychologist so this is not just someone with not much of a promising career or future…out for a little adventure) and the story ended in somewhat tragedy. From a certain perspective you could look at it and say that in return for their sacrifice and devotion they got tragedy.

It's an incredible story to tell though.. if you don't mention Jason's name.. at the end you can say, "and guess what happened to their son ?"

"what ?"

"he grew up and became a rockstar."

For the sharp people reading this *wink* I know you're thinking, "well just because their son grew up and became a rockstar, that still doesn't solve everything..." and yes I agree with you it doesn't... The story still has a certain tension..a certain pain.. no amount of success or money can make up for your parents breaking up...

I think that's what draws me to his lyrics/their songs..

...because knowing a little bit of his history it’s somewhat fascinating that he’s still in church...and its even more fascinating the lyrics that he writes (and indeed most of them he penned before he was ever 'successful') His lyrics are full of abandonment and vulnerability...and they cut all the more deeply because when he is singing,

"I'd rather chase your shadow all my life
And be afraid of my own?
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know,"

..you know he's not someone standing in the light singing about the possible perils and pain of abandonment...he's seen the pain of abandonment, the 'cost' of being a disciple, if you will, firsthand. He's not singing about 'reckless' abandonment..he's singing about 'informed' abandonment.... which if you think about it, is all the more RECKLESS..

If you'd care to hear some passionate and deeply touching worship by lifehouse check out
Eric's Lifehouse Site

(you'll find some esp lovely stuff from their Blyss days, under audio, under DLD)

a few more lifehouse quotes to end with,

"And you say,
Stand on the edge,
And don't be afraid to fall,
Take a breath and tell me what you see"
- The Edge, Lifehouse

"I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be"- Breathing, Lifehouse

Echoes

2006-01-06T14:52:00.000-04:00

One time (when I was about 13..oh yes 1997..the 'summer of love'(*delirious ref)..equally poignant for me too, though for of course my own reasons...)I was helping out with a Vacation Bible School for children at our church.. It was quite exhausting not just physically but emotionally, because I remember coming home and hearing the screams/voices of the children still ringing in my head. Anyway, yesterday..in much the same way some stuff various people said was just swirling around and echoing in my head.. I figured I'd share it with you...

"Keep the faith"
-a friend of mine who I usually encouraged about doubt, on a day when "I" was the one doubting (..from over 2 years ago)

"You mean you gave up your faith for a CAT ?!"
-a quote from someone's friend on hearing their 'testimony' and totally misunderstanding it..

"Sometimes pastors kids just need to search around a little.."
-a guy I admire greatly, on my friend's 'giving up of the faith'..

"last night I saw you standing in the moonlight...and you said
don't be afraid..I'm with you"
-Joshua, Lifehouse/Jason Wade

...and some more from lifehouse...

Lifehouse - Joshua Lyrics
the air has never felt so warm
the sky has never looked this way before
there's nothing comforting in change
I can't seem to find any peace in this confusion

I can't help my mind from racing
and my heart is beating faster than ever before
tell me is this really happening
I cannot tell if I am dreaming

last night
I saw you standing in the moonlight
and you took my hand and we walked
beside the river
and you said
don't be afraid, be strong
I'm with you

I'm climbing on top of my doubt
don't let this fear
get the best of me
cause I find my confidence in you
and I find my hope
when I lose control

the scarlet letter

2005-12-03T15:37:00.001-04:00

I have been thinking... hmm maybe I should rename this blog "discussion about doubt" because that seems to be what it has turned into ?

Unfortunately I can tell a lot of people aren't happy about that... I only realized lately that a lot of people haven't read "disappointment with God" and don't care to.. they want to spend their Christian life divorced from the less pleasant possibilities and dilemas... (sorry guys I'm very slow on the uptake when it comes to "people" consciousness and the things people really mean behind what they're saying and how they're acting..)

Please understand that it's getting really risky for me to post on here.. just a few days ago I found out that if you type in my name on the internet and hit "I'm feeling lucky" anyone and everyone is suddenly privy to all my hopes, doubts, dreams and fears!!! (...so either I'm stupid.. or a huge gambling risk taker.. )

Well to update those that are following the story with bated breath ;-).. a few weeks ago I took the advice of the person I talked to and wrote a letter to God.. I'll let you guess what it looked like.. (I have already had requests for other people to read it...but I refused because I really feel people should write their own letters to God..;-) and then MAYBE if you let me see it and I think it's got half as much pain in it as mine... well maybe I might be inclined to reveal a little more...)

While it was very shocking and difficult to see a lot of the things I was feeling in print (I wasn't even feeling angry just very "numb" at the time I wrote it) I see now that it was a very good idea..it gets things out on the table where they can be dealt with....I was able to talk to my friend about a couple of issues and she was able to much better understand where I was coming from rather than just having to contend with the rather "vague" idea of my having doubt..

And guess what ? ;-) (ohh don't you worry, the story around here will always have a twist! lol and no I'm serious, I did not concoct this happening, and I will tell you it certaintly wasn't ANYWHERE near funny when it happened!)someone actually "found" that letter.. opened if up, and read it.. just my dang luck .. it was about the worst possible person that could find it *pained look*... I was mentally kicking myself for days afterwards thinking about how the person that advised me to write an honest letter also SINCERELY advised me to take precautions so that it didn't fall into the wrong hands!!...huh... well life sure is interesting...

"Have you still got your brain Marisa ?"

2005-10-21T06:45:00.000-04:00

Umm yesterday was rather surreal ;) I got up at 4:30 in the morning worked for almost 7 hours straight (no breaks....I felt like my brain was shot-or absolutely burned out if it were a computer chip- at the end of it!) for a cause that in some ways deeply conflicts with my values...

"Have you still got your brain Marisa ?" you wonder. Well yes, I have still got it... and it was rather surreal working on something that I disagreed with so much!but the deal is that work I was doing wasn't going to make or break it! If I didn't do what I did, nothing bad would have happened. I just needed something to do I guess... well actually I needed some people to see ;) so that's why I was doing all that work... funny reason for 7 hours of work eh ?!

try getting "boo'ed" off of Larry King Live....yeah that's how much God loves you!

2005-10-13T21:30:00.000-04:00

There are these little phrases that hang around where I live a lot.

"God really worked things out for me"

"I see how much God has just blessed me in the last three years!"

I dunno whatever God seems to be doing…he sure seems to be doing good stuff.. and he seems rather in the business of blessing people. In fact from the way conversations go, one might assume that’s ALL he does! God’s sole aim in being God is to.....bless me....and well punish the bad guys of course!

If you’re like me and things haven’t gone quite right, in fact if things have gone unimaginably wrong you’re probably also sitting here wondering, "what about me ? doesn't God like me ? what happened to my blessings God ?"

God seems to be largely perceived as a sort of Santa Claus... either that or he's someone that throws good stuff your way... helps you out of stuff.. .really bad things never happen because God always helps you out before they do.

You know there’s almost a very integral question and answer going on there… much like something out of a children’s catechism..

Question: What does God do ? *patronizing adult voice*

Answer: He blesses people *child’s voice teeming with simplicity and innocence*

In fact that may be the basis of some people's relationship with God (and I'm not deleting "me" from that "some people"). He's a good guy up there that's sort of like insurance. He makes sure everything goes well for you. I can go to sleep at night because I know I'm not going to die in a car crash tomorrow because he's going to protect me and take care of me. Who wouldn't want a friend like that ? Who wouldn't feel a great outpouring of love for someone like that ? Who wouldn't be willing even to make real sacrifices for a friend like that ?

I'm beginning to question the nature of my relationship with God. Forget whether God cares.. After the whole story of poor Jeremiah spending his life with people mad at him and then getting thrown down a well to end it all (what no state funeral for such a great man of God ?! Sorry for better or worse, erase it from you mind right now, Jeremiah was no Billy Graham (no offense Billy I think you’re a great guy, just I think we all know you don’t have the world mad at you and you’re not in danger of having an un- illustrious end at the bottom of a well), Furthermore if Jeremiah ever went on Larry King Live, I imagine he would have gotten “BOO’ed” off) I’m seriously considering the possibility that maybe God DOES care about me after all...

....... Just maybe his care doesn't pan out, in quite the way I would have wanted.
So lets say God cares about me (but for whatever reason he’s not giving me a great life and he’s not helping at ALL in my predicament.. in fact he’s just watching as it gets worse).... well this isn’t a very “spiritual” answer but to be honest, at the moment I'm wondering "what good does that do me ?"......

I mean it's like God loving you to death but for life! on earth you'll never be able to feel it. God's unwilling to manifest it in that way for you (just being hypothetical) What good does that do you ?

What good does it do to have an "unhelpful" God at your side ? What good does it do to have a God out there that even though he may love you, you can't feel you can't touch. He's never going to help or improve your life ?

I think as unselfish and in love with God as I thought I was, I may have always been selfish in my perception of God. I loved him because I thought he was going to give me this great life. Or I loved him because he could give me really great warm fuzzy feelings. Now that I realize he may be giving me exactly nothing (or nothing that I want anyway!) I don't know how much I desire him....I realize that this is an important question to ask..

Honestly I'd like to ask (you know you don't come to this blog for leisurely light reading! :-)

What good is God if he contributes absolutely NOTHING to your life ?

Doubt Quote

2005-10-09T22:30:00.000-04:00

"We too often forget that faith is a matter of questioning and struggle before it becomes one of certitude and peace. You have to doubt and reject everything else in order to believe firmly in Christ, and after you have begun to believe, your faith itself must be tested and purified. Christianity is not merely a set of forgone conclusions. Faith tends to be defeated by the burning presence of God in mystery, and seeks refuge from him, flying to comfortable social forms and safe convictions in which purification is no longer an inner battle but a matter of outward gesture."

- Thomas Merton

I have a sad sense of humour!

2005-10-02T00:31:00.000-04:00

hehe I was just thinking (reading over the part about Jacob and the limp)... There's a place outside Toronto where they're supposed to do inner healing or something called "Jacob's Well" (we won't get into the story suffice to say I once went there and it was ummm not a very either productive or healing experience. I thought the people were very controlling, bad theology etc etc. I left after a day) anyways.. keeping in line with the sad Jacob story (since he limped for th rest of his life) lol I was just thinking lol "you might want to rethink going to "Jacob's Well" for healing or "deliverance" or whatever you want that will make your life easier since the biblical Jacob didn't necessarily get it!!!" lol

lol and by chance, if you should ever hear of a place called "Jeremiah's Well" ROTFL *grave voice* stay far FAR away!

the other things

2005-10-02T00:12:00.000-04:00

one other thing this person said.. (that I didn't post on Thursday)

God isn't going to let go of you. God is holding onto you as much as you doubt and feel far away, don't be afraid of him letting you go.

A dozen bees in my bonnet

2005-10-01T23:36:00.000-04:00

I can't express.. all those things I posted the on Thursday from when I talked to that person, are still buzzing in my head..

For one thing I'm quite flabbergasted that one person could give me so much new information/present so many different ideas at one time. I dunno, I've never been given so many ideas when talking to a person about that topic (usually I get NO new ideas (usually people tell me things that are VERY unhelpful rather than even beginning to offer ANY sort of help) so getting more that a couple ideas is a big surprise!) I think I'm almost a bit overwhelmed!

I was talking to Ruth today (thank God for Ruth!) about this person saying that every Christian sooner or later will struggle with doubt. Even if it's when their 50 and their spouse dies. Ruth brought up and interesting idea. She said she pretty much assumed that doubt usually comes just as a package together with unfortunate events (eg your mother dying/health failing etc).

I found that quite an intriguing idea. I'd NEVER seen it that way.. yes I knew that bad things happened to people (even christians)...they had children with horrible diseases, they got persecuted for their faith..they had their marriages fall apart...and yes like everyone else I kept my fingers crossed mentally and hoped it wouldn't happen to me. I also knew that people "fell away from God/lost their faith"....and I also hoped that wouldn't happen to me..

but somehow, I never connected the idea that the two would go together. I thought bad things happening to you/trials were supposed to make you stronger and make you turn to God, not doubt him.

I was telling Ruth that this was particularly a point of vexation for me (still is), the idea that, besides everything else that I had lost, I was also "losing" my faith. And I was absolutely FURIOUS over it!(still am) I was absolutely livid, that in addition to everything else going right in my friends lives, they weren't struggling with their faith the way I was. To put it another way, I was livid that "I" unlike everyone else, in addition to all my other losses, was struggling for my faith. My faith is very important to me. I, unlike most people it seems (at least from what they say their Christian lives have always been smooth sailing) have had to really struggle and contend for my faith, for a very long time. Ever since I was 12 and before that actually. My faith is something I consciously struggle for, and value very deeply... I never quite realized I was so upset about the whole situation until today..

It's been weighing on me the directive to make a decision "does God care or not care ?" since Thursday.. and my friend Ruth has also been asking if I've come to a decision.. so I've been thinking about it.... I've been thinking about Jeremiah who got thrown down a well and Jacob who walked with a limp, the stories where it didn't work out right...The people who even though God cared about them, things in their lives still went wrong and everything didn't work out right in the end anyway!

Tonight I came to a semi conclusion or realization I should say...

I'm not sure I want to be cared about if that's what being cared for is like. I don't know if I care if God cares, if my life is going to be like that! Put another way, the truth is, I don't know if I can believe that God truly cared for those people eg Jeremiah.. Can you honestly believe that God LIKED Jeremiah and he put him through all that ? It's frankly a very odd idea.... They guy God liked... had no friends and people were horribly antagonistic to him, all his life and at the very end, what a great treat (no regal funeral) he got to go off in glory......by being thrown down a well! Well what a ceremonious and very glamourous end!! (Try that hollywood!)

If that's how God LIKES people..... well I wonder what's the good of it... do I really want him to LIKE me ? What's it good for ? Do you want God to like you ?

it is thursday

2005-09-29T17:26:00.000-04:00

Well, today is thursday. I have just returned from meeting the person I mentioned a few days ago, to talk about my doubt. My friend Ruth said this morning, "You're a really brave person to do this, to go there and talk about your doubt. I wouldn't do that." And I said,
"Well I don't know, either I'm really brave or really stupid.."

I was wondering this morning, how telling this person about my doubt is going to help. I mean what exactly is he going to say to me that is suddenly going to make me have faith ? But since I'd already made the appointment and couldn't cancel it (well actually I was afraid the people might be mad or think of me badly!)I went. I printed out that little bit that I put up here a couple days ago almost word for word and took it. I had no idea how to begin so in the end I just handed it to him and let him read it. Then we talked about it. He ended up asking about the "bad" things that had happened to me....which I actually really wanted to talk about with someone but just assumed he wouldn't be interested in. We talked about those for some time and finding a solution, we talked about the rest of what I'd written.

Just a few standout things that he said :

Not always in the bible does it work out happily or good for the person in the end. Jeremiah got thrown down a well and Jesus ended up dead (except for the resurrection). People didn’t get the wives they wanted. Jacob walked with a limp for the rest of his life. So if it’s not working out for you it doesn’t mean God doesn’t care.
The problem is that it’s only the ‘happy ending’ stories they tell in Sunday school. They don’t tell about how Joshua had to slaughter the people of Jericho (why would God do that to them ?) you only hear the part about the walls coming down.

In a way God is rather pathetic, he’s not helping. It is his fault what’s happening if he can change it and he’s not, so God IS rather to blame. Blame God. He’s taking responsibility for it. God is holding onto me here albeit he’s holding me in a very cold muddy place.

I should really tell God exactly how I feel and if I have to scream or use swear words that’s fine. God’s already forgiven all of those sins and it isn’t going to scare him away if I do. I shouldn’t just think about what I would like to tell him or tell someone else but actually write it down or say it to him. He said something I thought was very interesting here. He said God’s already poured out his entire wrath on Jesus. He has no more to pour out on you. So don’t be afraid of God getting mad at you.

About other Christians that never have to struggle with doubt because their lives are going well, sooner or later they WILL struggle with doubt. Eventually they will be mad at God when they’re 50 and their spouse dies or when their 25 year old child dies and it’s a horrible tragedy because it’s just the beginning of their life. I’ve just had to face some challenges to my faith a lot sooner than they have.

He said I must have a very strong faith to have held on this long and to not have given up on God in spite of all this. He said my parents should be thankful that I still want to go to church. He thinks I have a faith that’s a lot stronger than that of people that haven’t been through the same things.

I must have been a really strong person not to have given up and committed suicide but to still be struggling with everything for so long (11 years), especially in light of having tried so many antidepressants and having nothing work.

Maybe what I’m going through is giving me a lot of empathy and making me a very empathetic person. Maybe later I’ll have a husband or child who struggles with depression and be able to help them and understand them because of what I’ve been through.

I should imagine God at my back and also try to put myself in some of the bible stories. Imagine how those people felt/pretend you were them, when they interacted with Jesus.

I should make a decision about whether I think God cares about me or not. It’s tearing me apart being caught between the two alternatives. Even if I decide he doesn’t care, well at least I’ve made a decision. But he thinks I should trust the side of 5000 years of biblical evidence.

He said something along the lines that we’re not supposed to be certain about heaven and the kingdom of God is supposed to be here. I’m not exactly sure what that meant.

In the end I suppose I’m glad I talked to him. Unlike most people, he actually had a lot of new ideas to present to me. He seemed to understand a LOT more than most people. He actually said a few other things about himself and his family to me, but although he didn’t explicitly say so, he mentioned that hardly anyone else in the church knew, so I think he was saying them in confidence. I think umm I don’t know how much I could trust him, certainly not completely because as I started to smile and talk/open up a bit more, he sort of pulled back and could be a bit abrupt (not in a mean way but sort of like when you feel sorry for someone but then realize you have to get on with your life) which may have made him seem a bit insincere or not totally trustworthy.

more whining

2005-09-27T10:56:00.000-04:00

Oh I forgot to say, in my last post, this friend I'm rather jealous of... he's also very very smart... !!! (I might not be jealous of all the other things if he didn't have that but alas he does and in great measure ;)

*makes a lot of different faces*

hmmmmm...

2005-09-27T10:48:00.000-04:00

On Benny Hinn they have a woman at the beginning of the show who says, “It’s just as easy to be healed as it is to be saved.” When I saw it this morning I was thinking, “Well it must be mighty hard to get saved!” ;)

I was encouraged though, this Sunday in church when they had healing prayer and the pastor said that some people get healed and some don’t and it’s a very hard cross to bear when you don’t. Coming from the background I do and even coming from the Vineyard (to be honest I never could make total sense of the Vineyard’s view on healing… “some people will get healed and some people won’t, and it’s not a lack of faith if you don’t but ANYWAY we’re supposed to pray for healing and believe for it and pursue it with a great tenacity!”) I don’t think I ever heard it put quite that way before.

My dad seems to have already spilled the beans to Isaac a few days ago, so maybe I should too. My dad organized a Benny Hinn crusade a few years ago....umm and he’s organizing one again…

*long fit of whining and whinging and a huge pity party*

To be honest at the moment I’m very jealous.. I have a friend who has EVERYTHING… he has great parents, they’re intellectuals, he can talk and have logical discussions with them. He’s musical, he’s going to a great university… He has the looks too.. what more could a person want ?! Heck I’m in a whiny mood today…

Oh btw about that stuff I posted a few days ago.. I printed it out and showed it to a friend of mine. She thinks that when I go to talk to this person about my doubt, he’s going to read it and go “hmmm.” She doesn’t think he’s going to be startled or freaked out or be totally thrown. She said she thinks a lot of people feel like that or have felt like that and she knows at least one of them besides herself and me.

So umm.. a very sort of choppy..lots of topics post.. cheers everyone ;)

Okay, all the little critters are crawling about; try and catch some if that makes you feel better !

2005-09-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

Here's what I plan to say on Thursday:

Last Sunday when I was we were talking and you happened to say about Jack, it was really refreshing to know that you don’t villanize doubt. You could probably tell when you were talking to me but I have had a lot of struggles with doubt, not so much that God exists or that he’s God but about whether God really cares about me and has my best interest at heart.

In the last few years things have been really hard in my life not working out at all the way I wanted them to and I think I find it hard to believe that God could love me and still let all this happen. It’s not so much what happened in the past it’s what the future will be. At this point I don’t know how much of my life is going to work out at all. I don’t know if I’m going to get to achieve ANY of my dreams and all my other Christian friends are going on with their life and getting their dreams and I just feel like God must really hate me to make it like this for me. And I mean I don’t even see my suffering/or my not getting my dreams as meaningful.. you know as if I’ve lain them down or like I was a martyr or something. And to be honest, I don’t know if God loves the martyrs or those Christians in countries where they’re persecuted all that much. I mean how he lets some people have all the good stuff / a great fun Christian life and other people they’re just hanging on by their nails and they can’t get a grip.

At one time my heart used to feel very tender towards God probably when I was sure he would work out all my problems and now that I’m not sure how things will work out I can’t see how he could love me and my heart feels very cold.. and it’s horrible. In a sense it’s not that I have a problem laying down my dreams for God.. but I don’t want to just lay them down for NOTHING…like if they were taken away I want to know that I gave them away to God…not that they were just WASTED… Right now I feel like everything that’s happened and happening to me is meaningless…. God is there and he won’t help me…I actually see him as sort of antagonistic to me… He’s trying to make my life horrible. I just wish there was some way to see it differently.

And at the same time, there’s a curious sort of split in my heart. Like somewhere I guess I still have faith.. I still think it’s a great idea to get people saved and nurture children in God and help them to meet God and all that.

And eternity, (which is when it’s all truly supposed to add up and make sense.. it doesn’t add up and make sense any other way if we don’t consider eternity) well somehow I don’t see eternity as being relevant, somehow I’m not that sure that heaven is going to happen at all and it’s all going to get worked out there. I don’t see it as a certainty. I look around at the vast majority of Christians and I don’t think most of them no matter how much they talk about it are much more concerned with other things (like moving up in the world) and don’t see eternity as being that relevant either. So I wonder if it’s really relevant or really going to happen at all. I don’t know if I’m putting my faith in other people rather than God but its very hard to believe in something if you think you’re the only one in the world that believes in it.

And sometimes I look at other people and somehow their faith seems to be so easy. It’s not something they struggle with. Everything goes right in their life and they don’t have to doubt God and faith is easy.

Opening a can of worms :

2005-09-24T21:51:00.000-04:00

I'm in Toronto at the moment. I've been visiting a church I sort of was attending while I was here two years ago(not Thornhill Vineyard). Anyway I was talking to someone there last Sunday and we just ended up talking about doubt. The person seemed to have a very healthy take on doubt and somehow the opportunity has come up for me to talk to someone about my doubt which frankly I think I need to. My heart for the past year has felt very cold. In another sense I'm not sure how much good this conversation, we're going to have is actually going to do. To be honest I've somewhat given up on the moral and mental support of the church in my Christian journey. I realize I can't depend on other people AT ALL for my faith.. for one thing they don't seem to understand at all what I struggle through and the other it's not a sincere believe if I believe just because my friends are good people and they believe...

Anyway not wanting to get into the long sad story of my life while talking to this person. I typed out a little summary of what needed to be said lest I wander off the path ;) Of course knowing me.. this summary is well more like an essay! but anyway if anyone wants to read it I thought it might be suitable to post it here.

The passion of the king.....

2005-09-01T21:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was thinking... a lot.. One of the things I was thinking about is our need for a "king". Recently I was watching Lord Of The Rings:Return Of The King. I don't know why but I was just touched by seeing the one king that would unite all the people against the enemy. I was touched by his bravery when he had to go in and call upon the dead people to help them fight. I was touched by the very human need to have someone stronger (at least in heart) and braver than you, to have as Audio Adrenaline puts it "A Mighty Good Leader". I was extremely touched by two qualities. It's hard to express the depth of what I felt but I was touched by the passion (the idea of someone that is MORE passionate than you) and the bravery or courage (to know that someone although facing the same formidable obstacle is not afraid even though you are.)

Previously to be honest I had never seen anything worth admiring about kings. In my opinion they were just pretty pampered guys sitting up there getting to order everyone around and getting the best of everything (nothing particularly admirable to me there! ) but yesterday I was thinking that it is the King that rides out first, risks his life the most riding out in front of the people into battle. And I couldn't help thinking of our king who led the way, who showed that he was in this relationship thing with all his heart and soul by laying down his life for us. I think as humans we're always looking up. There's a part of the human heart I guess that longs for that security of knowing that someone is more passionate and braver than us. Someone that will go out before us and fight. I know I haven't been especially eloquent today but I do hope that makes sense...

trusting people

2005-08-29T23:20:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I realized something sort of sad about me. In my heart, truly
when you get deep down, I don't trust people. Odd eh ? I suppose knowing me
you'd never guess it (even I never guessed it!), because my personality is
anything but cold and detached. And for the most part I'm always trying to
go where the people are and just be around friends etc. But the truth is I
find it very hard to trust people, in particular people of lesser means than
me. I think it's because I was very hurt once by a close friend who from
that particular group and since then I've given up believing that anyone
could ever like me for me or ever just enjoy me and want me around as a
friend.

So when people show an interest in me, outwardly (even in my mind.. because
this not trusting was always a subconscious thing up until a few days ago)
I'll reciprocate and sortof maybe even 'try' to be friends. But in my heart/
in my head there's always a sinking feeling even though they may be being
perfectly nice to me, I still end up feeling rather depressed when they are
around. And I guess I just don't enjoy their company.. and I get bored out
of my mind listening to their stories and in the end I don't really try to
put that much into it because somehow it all seems so hollow and depressing
and meaningless and it doesn't bring me any joy. And it's all because I've
assumed that I can't trust them and that they couldn't possibly like me for
me, that they just want to be with me, because it helps them in some way and
as soon as they find something better they will be gone. In short I assume
that they are using me.

And on the other hand when people that seem to have it all (economically/in
terms of status) and could not possibly want me for any reason that I can
think of ! want to hang out with me, I trust them and I feel joy in a way
that I don't with other people. Or rather I should say I feel enjoyed...
it's an almost 'new' feeling in me because I've felt it so little the last
decade of my life.

It's funny I had long noticed this sense of unenjoyment when I was around
"non-successful" people (for lack of a better term, that's really the wrong
term actually but I think it conveys what I'm trying to say) and it really
bothered me. The whole idea that I should only want to be friends with more
successful people and not just ordinary or less fortunate people, bothered
me a great deal. I felt like I was being really proud or just wanting to
pick and choose my friends with some sort of ulterior motive!

Thinking about my distrust of people I've realized though that I can't
stereotype and distrust a whole class of people based on what one person did
to me. Logically, I see that just because one person did something, does not
mean that that's in the hearts and minds of everybody else. I can't help
feeling that it is though. I think maybe I need to make more of an effort to
make friends with people and just give them a chance to prove that they're
not like that.

this is hilarious (well at least to me...) not sure if you might need a slightly rotting sense of humor !)

2005-08-26T01:53:00.000-04:00

In the wake of Pat Robertson putting his foot in his mouth (he recommended the assassination of the Venezuelan president) and the whole uproar about it(I actually only found out about it this whole thing when I got an email from the Sojourners and an absolutely livid Jim Wallis.),

I happened to run into that story again, when I visited Christianity Today, and I must admit, on reading I was rather bemused by something I found out... Maybe I'm just altogether flippant but I had to laugh when I read that,

"Many people have complained about the 700 Club to cable channel ABC Family, which airs it. But ABC Family has no choice. It is obligated under contract to air it. (The FCC may not be able to do anything, either)

In 1988, Robertson sold the Family Network to Fox for $1.9 billion. Not bad, when you consider the channel was originally launched in 1977 through the donations of viewers who had been promised a Christian alternative to "secular" television, then taken public in 1992. CBN got $136 million from the sale. Robertson's Regent University got another $148 million. Robertson personally received $19 million, and the rest went to the Robertson Charitable Remainder Trust, which will fund CBN after Robertson and his wife die.

But the money wasn't the biggest part of the deal: Fox Family was required to air The 700 Club three times a day—and, if Fox sold the network, the obligation to air The 700 Club had to be part of that deal, too.

Robertson could go on his program and call for the assassination of Michael Eisner and ABC Family couldn't pull it. He could have zero viewers and ABC Family couldn't pull it. The ABC Family airtime has an estimated value of $46.8 million a year."

Tell me is that not just hilarious ? He can get up on tv and say anything he wants and they can't pull him off no matter what! Now I may not agree with everything Pat Robertson does, but the man obviously had, at least one stroke of brilliance!

Solomon see how this goes over

2005-08-21T18:46:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday I was reading the book of Ecclesiastes and man that is an interesting book! I read the little commentary in my bible at the beginning and it said that this book was written after Solomon went away from God. I'm not sure if they're judging that from the contents of the book or the events of his life (egg his running after all those women and their false Gods) at the time it was written, but if its from the contents of the book, then I think I might beg to differ...

A lot of the things he writes in the book might not go down well with some people, particularly the "name it and claim it" or "everything will be wonderful once you're REALLY serving/loving God" crowd. I mean he writes that he's seen the wicked suffer and he's seen the righteous suffer and righteous people really don't get out of suffering just because they're righteous. He also writes that in the end life is meaningless, all the things we strive for in life are meaningless, the money, the learning, the pleasure AND the sorrow mean and matter nothing in the end. The sense of satisfaction we're looking to get from it isn't going to come, we're just going to be weary at the end.

To be honest I'm not all that sure I disagree with Solomon. I hope this doesn't sound blasphemous but I've watched and I haven't quite seen that "God" is the deciding factor in people being "prosperous", successful or even "happy" while on earth. Unfortunately life is much more complicated than that. People don't always get healed, not just physically, but many people have had debilitating events that scarred them in their childhood, which continue to rob them of happiness even after they are saved. Many missionaries have died in other countries, without seeing one person come to Christ. These are things that we prefer generally not to concentrate on because truthfully they can be honestly depressing, especially if your hope for this life is in God.

For sure, Ecclesiastes is really a very different book of the bible than Proverbs or Deuteronomy or even Jeremiah or Isaiah. It sticks out like a sore thumb. But reading it this week I found interesting out of it. It may not be quite so interesting if you've never doubted God or heaven, or pondered any of the above things. The message I got out of Ecclesssiastes is, in the end whether you spend your life in pleasure or pain, whether you get everything that you want and all your dreams come true or none at all it's all meaningless, apart from heaven. If there is a God up there, if there IS a heaven, that's the only thing that's going to make it matter. So if you lay down you life on earth for God and in the end wonder if God's really real and wonder whether you've made a stupid decision, relax, even if you hadn't "laid down your life" it was going to be meaningless and "wasted" anyway. But even if there's just the slightest chance that there's a heaven, that your life and loss is going to count for something, it's worth it because the other option (a meaningless life) is worth nothing at all. Solomon having written that, I'm not so sure he was as far from God as other people guess. I mean to me he was making quite a profound statement of faith, saying, "apart from God, it doesn't matter. God is the only one that can make anything matter. They're all lost anyway before you've even begun, therefore feel free to put all your eggs in one basket, the God basket."

Well I know for sure that most people I know, wouldn't understand much less care for this little rambling so here's to hoping it made some sense to somebody. *wink*

acting like a loon.. try it, it's fun !

2005-08-13T22:23:00.000-04:00

I just had to share this with some d-fans.. (and since I'm probably long forgotten on the d-forum I have to put it here ;) Tresha got the Hillsongs/Delirious recording today so she put it on. And so Darlene Zchech comes on singing ICSOYLF and so I'm like "Ok so Delirious/Darlene blend, they're having Darlene sing d songs, ok." And then I'm just in here typing on the computer and I hear Martin Smith's voice and I started screaming and ran into the living room acting like a freak. ;) Yes I know I'm a freak... hehe

Anyway it was mucho fun... acting like a loon over your favourite singer/one of your favourite singers..*wink wink*

my mother! I realized . . .

2005-08-11T20:26:00.000-04:00

Yesterday someone pointed out something to me. They told me, "Marisa you're incredibly strong yet you believe in yourself so little. You need to stop feeling that you need people to be nice to you in order to be okay."

I've been thinking about that since. It is true, I'm very strong in some ways and very weak in others. I'm very confident about some things like what I feel I'm supposed to do with my life and I'm very tenacious about not giving up on that and the things that I really believe in. And yet in other ways I give up far too easily. If I try talking to a person and the conversation seems to fall flat, I'm apt to walk away and bury my head in a book like, "well, whatever with you, I'll just go read.." Or if I think someone doesn't like me I won't keep trying with them, I'll figure, "Oh they've already made up my mind. They see that I'm a horrible person. All is lost!" I won't usually fight and work to prove to them that I'm very adept at something if people tell me I'm not good at it.

This person yesterday also pointed out the my mother and I have a very codependent relationship, I feel I desperately need her, (I need her to listen to me, I need her to be there for me. I need her to morally support me and stand up for me and defend me. I need her in order to feel that I'm not alone in this world with no one that will watch my back) and that I can't do anything on my own. And my needs me to need her.....because she's afraid that I'll run away and reject her and not care for her if I don't need her. In other words she's afraid I won't like her so the only way for me to be close to her is for me to need her.

This person showed me how wrong all of that was yesterday. That whole, "I need you to need me" (and please understand I'm not just accusing my mother of that.. I have a couple of friends who the whole "need you to need me" thing going on with as well) is totally not love. It is very wrong. And further more I need to grow up a bit. I don't think it's the natural order of things for a person to be "best friends" with their parents (Which to be honest is a concept I NEVER got.. until yesterday. I always wanted us to have this great close relationship where we told each other everything and I leaned on them just like I did as a child).

To be honest I never understood the meaning of "honour" your mother and father either until yesterday. I always thought it was some sort of "obey your parents" like command where if you're married and your mother commands you to come over to her house everyday, you do (or you feel horribly guilty if you don't.) Now I understand it as..."Treat your parents nice, treat them really nice because they're your parents. Don't shame them or be rude to them."

In the course of this long discussion with my friend yesterday I also realized.... well I realized a long time ago that my mother doesn't know everything.. In fact she majorly misinterprets people pretty often. She sort of has this "rejection" thing going so that if she hears that someone did something nice for someone else but they didn't do the same for her she feels they don't like her. But what I realized yesterday is that...my mother was wrong when she told me I'm a horrible person as she is often wrong when it comes to people.

the road less travelled

2005-08-06T22:53:00.000-04:00

While we were in Guyana, I was doing devotions one day and I don't know why but I happened to just briefly mention something to the effect of, "going deeper with God requires a bit of energy and the will to break from the pack of people." My dad said that idea really struck him and I found myself thinking about it again today.

Going deeper is not so much a team sport, at least not at first. It has to be motivated by a desire and a decision to go further in God regardless of other people.

People seem to group together. We tend to like the same things (or if we don't, we at least try to like them because it will be much easire and more fun if we like them, just like everyone else does!) We sort of want to be around people similar to us, so that we don't feel alone or weird. When we're in church we want to just do the same thing as everyone else is doing maybe because that's the safe/cool thing. Doing something new or different on our own requires a fair bit of energy, especially if it's going to make us stand out, or even if it's just in our own minds that we have to feel "different".

I was thinking about how many people just sort of get swept along like that even in God. We kind of just follow the tide. Okay if everyone else is prophesying then, I'd like to do that too. Or if everyone else starts to dance around during worship then great, ok, I'll do that too! In the end our "personal" relationship with Jesus might be more about us, Jesus and Sally and Harry than about us and Jesus.

I started thinking this morning about a statement a well know pastor once made, something to the effect of, "Isn't it great to have a bunch of people to go deeper with ?" When I first heard him, I heartily agreed but today if you ask me, I'd answer differently. Yes it's great to have a bunch of friends that also really love God but as "deep" as you go with God, it's never going to be very deep if you're just being swept along by the tide ie you never personally decided you wanted to go, you're just going because everyone else is on that ride. I don't know how fully you can follow God either, if you always have to worry about keeping in step with the pack. Also, the way God calls everyone is different. As lucky as you are, there's going to be some day when God is going to ask you to do something that everyone else isn't and maybe doesn't care to be doing. It might be something that makes you look weird or it might just be a road that's completely in the opposite direction to the one your friends are travelling down.

interesting dream

2005-08-06T08:39:00.000-04:00

Last night I had an interesting dream. Could be influenced by circumstances because there's been a lot of talk about transivites and people with sexual identity problems here recently.

I dreamt my parents were sitting in this booth I saw that across the table from them was a man. When I glanced at him he looked at me with these incredibly longing filled green eyes. I asked him "who are you ?" and he answered, "Nicole Kidman." I quickly understood that this was a very hurting person, with problems about their sexual identity.

I sat down and began, "You know God really likes you ? He really really REALLY really likes you, very very much. He likes you. He thinks about you almost every moment of every day. That's how much he likes you." I went on to tell him I think that that God was not mad at him or hating him, that God was very gracious and compassionate and forgiving. I said to him, "I don't know if you father was like that. I don't know if your father was judgmental. I don't know if your father was forgiving or gracious but if he was judgmental, he wasn't a good representation of God. God isn't like that." And then I started to talk about his mother and if she wasn't Christ-like then she wasn't a good representation of God. And I said, "God knows the pain in your heart."(which is always sort of a leap of faith to say because you never know if the other person is going to say "what pain I don't have any pain" and it's pretty difficult to argue your point!) I said, "God knows all the pain in your heart and he wants to take it away." And then I sort of qualified my statement, "well all pain isn't going to go away totally and everything be perfect. Look at me, I still hurt and we will always have trouble while we are on earth."

"But God wants to talk away the pain in your heart."

And I was done.. I didn't really ever give a real "salvation" message or anything but when I was done I could see in his eyes that he was really touched. His eyes had a tenderness in them.

And then I remember thinking to myself..."what if I lead him to God and then he still thinks it's okay to keep on with this stuff... How am I going to tell him, "now that you're saved you can't do this anymore." ?" I finally settled on the fact that my main concern was that he know God, I had never begun talking with the intention to fix him. I just wanted what I knew was hurting him to go away. And then I woke up.. But the look in his eyes was still with me.

It reminded me of the look in someone else's eyes. I once prayed for a panhandler on the street in Toronto. There were so many of them and I always felt so helpless. They were so needy but what they needed was not money. I knew my $2 or $5 or even $20 wouldn't make a difference and yet they were needing and asking so clearly. This boy was asking and I asked him, "can I pray for you ?" and I just prayed that God would bless him and touch him with his love. When I was done I looked at him. In his eyes I could see that he was so touched. I actually felt I was supposed to talk to him more but I was too scared and so I left with that...

I can't help thinking about the response of a very successful street evangelist (you may have heard this story before) when someone asked him what was his secret. He said, "you can see it in the eyes. You can tell when they're ready to receive God by the look in their eyes."

I was thinking today . . .

2005-08-05T00:49:00.000-04:00

Oh wow I remembered what I was thinking about today..

I was thinking about segments of the church that have totally slipped away from God and God help us, by his grace, keep us safe from that fate. From singing hymns with absolutely no emotion (not that emotion is what defines sincerity or devotion). I was thinking about the people that are just totally numb inside, without any emotion towards God. I don't know why it's such a "theme" with me but I just can't forget the people that have left church through what I think of as "the back door". They never bothered to talk to God and "confront" him with their doubts or fears... They just slunk out with their heads down.. Maybe they weren't aware that they could confront God or scream or ask icky questions. And now they're numb. They feel nothing at all. They're not angry.. They're not allowed to be angry.

Maybe a lot of people might feel I'm unreasonably harping on this "expressing your anger at God thing" (and just for the record, I am by no means am implying it's ok to burn down a church or do anything of the like! ;) but I really do feel it's much better to be angry at God than numb and feeling nothing toward him at all. It's like your family.. you may be angry at them but... it shows such a deep connection to them compared with someoneone the street.

packing for a place that has to be believed to be seen

2005-08-05T00:04:00.000-04:00

I was thinking today.. actually I can't quite remember what I was thinking but it was something quite interesting (at least to me at that moment in time..)

Tonight I was listening to a U2 cd and something struck me, I wonder why it never struck me before, it seems (as almost all discoveries do, in hindsight) terribly obvious. There's this lyric in "Walk On" that says, "home...is where the heart is." I was just touched. As Christians you know it's sort of like a cliche "heaven is our home" but it really struck me tonight if heaven is our home then that should really be where our heart is. Our heart should be consumed with heaven totally almost. The truth is, I can't claim my heart is consumed with heaven, it is partly, but if I'm honest, there are many things on earth I still deeply long for and am not willing to let go of.

Well if I ever do remember what I was thinking tonight I'll be sure to share it.. (I hope I do..it was a quite a juicy thought, while it lasted at least! ;)

Guyana

2005-07-25T17:12:00.000-04:00

I promised I'd write more about Guyana. I realize that I did not give a very flattering review with only the mention of cold water and mosquitoes! ;)

I really had a great time there, mostly because there were just so many people around me constantly. Everyone had meals, church and devotions together, not to mention a whole lot of "liming" (or hanging out)when we were really supposed to be sleeping.

We stayed in Essequibo coast, which is where Tresha is from. It's a sleepy (and yet not sleepy) little seaside string of towns, where there aren't any supermarkets and there's a fish man on a bicycle and a vegetable/fruit truck that come around everyday. It has a very "50 years ago" feel, with people being very sociable, donkeys and cows all along the sides of the road and time standing still. And yet it's not that the people are poor or backward or anything. They have internet etc just the lifestyle is much simpler.. The houses in Guyana while being very similar to the ones here have their own distinct style, that is rather quaint and fascinating when you first look at it.

The people in Guyana, if possible, are even more Pentecostal than the people here *wink* granted it was a Pentecostal church we went to... suffice to say that although it was an "Assemblies Of God" church its would stand in pretty sharp contrast to the AOG in the US... So you can just imagine how I fit in! The people there love to dance in church.. you should see them.. Last Sunday morning I think they spent about 45 minutes after church just dancing up at the front.

"We" had about a week of crusades and a lot of people from our church got a chance to share testimonies and talk/preach.. I was really touched one night when a friend of mine spoke. He gave an absolutely excellent message about how God is not mad at any sinners and he's not banging them on the head. But the greatest thing that touched me was knowing the sacrifices this man had made to come on this trip. I believe he even gave some blood to get together some money. This is also an incredibly humble guy, not someone that's vying for popularity or position in the church. All these things really tore up my heart.

News

2005-07-24T19:03:00.000-04:00

Today I got stung by some sort of insect. It was really very scary. I had my arm along the top of a pew in church and suddenly I feel this stabbing pain. At first I looked anxiously at my arm and the pew since it felt like a very long needle had been stuck right through the skin and muscle of my arm!

It was quite unnerving for me. It's not that I've never had an insect sting before, but always the reaction and pain were only skin deep. At first I couldn't even locate where I'd been stung because my whole bicep area was throbbing with pain. I was much relieved to talk to a few people who assuered me this "needle right through your arm" reaction was normal.. and thank goodness it did eventually go away .... but *whew* it's not something I want to experience again!

I was quite fortunate to have some "Antisane" (insect bite cream with me) since I just returned from Guyana on Friday where my feet were bitten to bits by mosquitoes. (I think I have about 10 or 15 small bites on each foot...*scratches head* wonder what is so attractive about my feet to mosquitoes ?!)

Oh yes, why was I in Guyana ? Well our church went on a little mission trip there and I sort of traipsed along ;-)*just kidding* (Yes I was a real member of the team.) It was quite fun. All 14 of us stayed together in a bible school, where we had to take baths in cold water (thankfully being even nearer to the equator than Trinidad, cold water in Guyana isn't that cold...but still it did take a bit of working up courage every morning for me to get under the shower!)

love and grace to everyone
Will write more about Guyana later..

In the paper today, tales of war and of waste

2005-07-07T23:38:00.000-04:00

I feel just sick today over what happened in London. I don't know if it's a bit of a flashback for me to Sept 11th, 2001. At that time I was living in Toronto which is only 8 hours from New York by car (literally you could leave in the morning and be in NY by afternoon). So I was very shaken up and vulnerable.

Today I just can't the bad feeling out of my heart over what happened. I don't know why I'm identifying so strongly with the british (londoners) and the people that were affected by it. It's so horrific and terrifying. They were just going about their business getting to work and without any warning.. I mean they had no CLUE that they were at all in danger and then all hell is let out of a bottle (almost literally).

There's a hurricane threatening which is big news but actually I think you're almost lucky if that's your monster to contend with today. At least you know to move away or brace yourself for the worst that could happen. The poor people in London they had no inkling no way of knowing to at least try and run for it or to stay away.. I can't imagine what it would be like (at least for me) to try and rebuild your life and any sense of security after this. The terror....

million dollar beautitudes and the imperfect church

2005-07-07T14:31:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago I watched the movie "Million Dollar Hotel" after taping
it off of cable (It was on in the middle of the night!).

I liked the movie because I saw it as being about love and redemption in the
mess and brokenness of humanity.

The movie, I was telling one of my friends, is basically about a bunch of
what the world would call "losers." They all live in a seedy apartment
building, which was once the glamorous "Million Dollar Hotel." The main
character is a simpleton, (very slightly retarded), there's a prostitute
(whom he loves), the man who is convinced he was the fifth member of the
beattles and got scammed on the royalty cheques, and the druggie son of a
media mogul ( "My people decide the truth in 60 countries everyday.") among
others.

Today I was rethinking my statement to my friend, "the world would call them
"losers"".. Well actually I think the church might call them losers. To me
the main point of the movie is this simple, very childlike man, loving a
prostitute who has never had anybody truly love her in her life. It's very
beautiful. It reminds me of the beautitudes, " Blessed are they that mourn
for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the
earth."

The question I was wondering about this morning is, has the church totally
missed the beautitudes ? I don't think we really value the people they talk
about. In my experience looking at the church (actually looking at me too)
we seem to value the exact opposite, we value the rich, the people that have
it together, the happy, the assertive (who have somehow figured out to fight
for their rights while at the same time managing to appear sweet and kind!).

Then again I was thinking

the church does not necessarily = Jesus

And maybe at the end of the age she will be, but maybe we shouldn't expect
it now, the church is full of imperfect people like me and you (ie there's
not even one person in the church that isn't contributing a lot of flaws).

e u p h o r i c - let's toast to Amy and Kathryn !

2005-06-30T17:21:00.000-04:00

Boy this poor little blog, soo forlorn! though on second thought maybe it should be honoured, it has become a very "special occasion" blog.

Well .. yes today is quite a special ocassion... I'm practically euphoric.. Today the little girls I was tutoring ( if anyone remembers WAYYY last year I was trying to tutor some little girls and eventually we managed to arrange some lessons for them ???!) got their results from their big exams and one of them got absolutely EXCELLENT results, she got the kind of results I was really hoping and praying and most of all, dreaming for her. *smile* I'm really really very happy. (God help me when I become a parent I'll probably be horrrible like this!!!! dreaming dreams for my kids and hoping they'll fulfill them!!) I'm just soo soo happy for this little girl (and also for the other girl I was tutoring since she did quite well too!)

Basically the results they got will ensure that they finish high school with good enough marks to get jobs or continue further and do pretty much anything they want! It's such a big deal since so many children here fall through the cracks in the educational system. Getting into the right high school here is a big deal. It's often the difference between good teachers and extremely positive or extremely negative peer pressure (not to sound too simplistic but literally in some schools kids are walking around with knives and in others an A- is cause for a pity party because the kids are so focused on what they want out of life). I'm so happy for these little girls because they come from a very underprivileged environment (near our church) and they're parents don't have much and they never had pretty much anybody to dream for them or to show them something bigger or teach them to dream. Now I sincerely hope they'll get all that *teary eyed*

2005-06-24T20:42:00.000-04:00

a picture from a while back

Studying On An Iron Board ?

2005-06-16T07:41:00.000-04:00

And you thought you went through a lot for your degree ?!
Sadly this is not me (No, I'm not that thin and pretty and photogenic or long haired! (though I am almost exactly the same height) I took this earlier as Tresha was cramming for her final exams.

And I swear, we did not stage this. *wink* Tresha is quite inventive when it comes to practical matters, she thinks of putting napkins under cold drinks to keep the condensation from wrinkling up your papers and all sorts of things!

You'll never believe . .

2005-06-15T12:53:00.000-04:00

Just thought you might like to know that I saw Martin Smith on "This is your day" (aka Benny Hinn program) today ! *cheeky grin*

Okay okay, no he wasn't REALLY being interviewed. Benny Hinn was interviewing Ron Luce (who was actually quite good) and I only saw Martin Smith flash on the screen for about a second while they were showing an ad for something of Ron Luce's called "Battle Cry."

lol but still it was Martin Smith on Benny Hinn!!! I must admit I went a bit mad when I saw him and exclaimed, "Look!! Martin Smith!!!!!"

I guess I still have a bit of a d-fan in me (not to even mention, this morning I woke up with "Summer Of Love" playing in my head!which is a mystery in itself because I've only heard the song a couple times!)

Oh well... I know this has been a completely meaningless post but just thought you might like to know ;-) . . . btw Shiv if you're still around, my offer still stands to watch Archive:d

to chew on

2005-06-09T22:58:00.000-04:00

I looked at my blog today...and boy did it look forlorn!... I almost felt sorry for the poor little thing. And indeed it is "little". I haven't posted in the past few weeks! (or maybe it's months ??) *too tired to research that at the moment*

I think enough to assume I've been really busy. Doing what ? Well for one thing I've been helping with the children at church. So far things have been really excited. Doing church with children is something I'm absolutely passionate about, I'm telling you we could have the "worst" Sunday School time and I'm all sparkly eyed afterward, not to mention hopeful that "this IS working and this is going to be GREAT!"

Mostly what's been taking up my time is some course stuff. *bleh* You don't want to get into that!

Anyway for my poor forlorn little blog I thought it might be interesting to type some of my recent hotmail screennames (again not so recent since I've hardly been on in the last month! and dang gracious I don't think we've even used up our internet hours this month!)

1stly,

"disillusion threatens"

2ndly,

from a jars of clay song, "will God really lift up my head ?"

3rdly

"I'm still asking . . . . "

And 4thly (well I still AM asking but I thought you guys might like to know some philosophy)

a quote from a friend
"[asking] implies being. There is a someone to ask the question."

The almost ultimate question:
"Why is there something instead of nothing?" -Leibiniz

Something however tough..to chew on..

whatever that is

2005-05-04T19:44:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning my room today, I had a Jars Of Clay CD on and one of the lyrics just really struck me. It's from a song called, "This Road".

"May sin never hold true...that love never broke through."

It struck me (quite likely it struck everyone else years ago!), any sin that grips our lives is an area that the love of God has not yet penetrated to. It's a place of doubt and fear where we don't quite know that God loves us or comprehend the depth that God loves us with. If we really knew the love of God, sin wouldn't be able to hold, it would slip right off like water on a duck's back.

I dunno, I'm in a rather strange place right now (well more like for the last 2 years). I really was so deeply touched the other day, as I described above, and yet there's another part of me, another part of my heart that's just cold cold. I have so many fundamental questions in my heart, so many things that mere though deeply felt emotion cannot resolve. I've made that mistake a number of time, being swept away and then the next day finding out it doesn't change things. For now I've become used to living like this.. deeply moved and yet unaffected.. Sounds and feels most unnatural. Am I dying ? Is this the death of the heart and soul ?

Another quote from jars of clay,

"..when the music comes on, all your cold cold heart can do is skip a beat..."

what's this blog ?

2005-05-03T08:54:00.000-04:00

Hey hey, blog people.. Actually I'm not sure who the blog people are.. Not sure exactly who I'm writing to anymore. Originally when I put up this blog I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular. I just put it up to encourage people that were struggling with their faith or rather wrestling with certain aspects of it. I always wanted to be transparent. I didn't want to pretend or cover up the rough spots, like the fact that we all feel like failures sometimes or wonder if we're even saved. I believe this is true Christianity, being in connection with your weakness, your imperfections and your need for God.

A lot of people actively resist any mention of weakness as a Christian. For whatever reason they can't handle the idea that you struggle with something. If you should mention a struggle, they get horrified looks on their faces, and instantly try to "fix" the problem. Or if they can't fix the problem they look down on you as a "lesser" Christian. All this to say, there's enormous preassure to keep the masks on, to try and pretend everything's great with you and God, whom you spend an hour every day with. And yet I feel such a conviction and passion in my heart for honesty. I want to rebel against that sort of thing with all my strength. In the words of Martin Smith, "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I'm not backing down!"
"I hunger for the truth."

Over time, well I'm not sure if this is such a blog about doubt anymore (is it ??) Most of the people that have come on here and commented are d:fans that I met almost three years ago on the delirious forum. Quite an interesting bunch...(in only the best way of course ;)

This blog has become more about my life, for better or for worse. In the early days I would have been absolutely horrified by that. I tried to bl0g about my journey of faith and that alone, until a friend explained that adding in mundane details of your life wouldn't dilute the content but rather add even more reality and meaning. After all spiritual growth and our relationship with God takes place in the hodgepodge of everyday events. And so it seems I have ended up talking about me, my life, and I. *makes a face* (which frankly I never really wanted to do...I don't think the events of an ordinary life make for an interesting blog.)

So what is this blog now ? A soapbox for me to criticize and flail the church and the Christian community ? I hope not. I post my thoughts (which unfortunately for you *g* I have a lot of.) I want to bring back this blog to it's original purpose, a place for strugglers and people that want to be brutally honest, people that want to confront the messy things of spirituality and life. Actually from this side of the road it feels a very lonely.... but I know this is where I'm supposed to be.

Why ?

2005-04-24T21:54:00.000-04:00

I recieved a link to an intriguing post today.. See what you think...

"The same applies to jobs...why does God always call someone to this high ministry position? Why do the youth hear God call them into the glitz of Hollywood? Why doesn't anyone ever hear the call of God to wipe the asses of elephants at the circus? Because this is the sloppy theology of Post-Modern Christianity. "It's true because I feel it's true, not because it is actually true.""

2005-04-22T09:58:00.000-04:00

Quote: "The heart of Christianity is about serving and loving indiscriminately, not about bringing an agenda."

I was thinking about this a while ago. It seems we have unwittingly, and tragically entangled Jesus commands to "love your neighbour" and "go spread this message and make disciples." Many no longer see a reason to "love your neighbour" if it's unlikely to result in him getting saved. Once we get to that place we lose one of the commands completely!, our "love" becomes manipulative and simply an ends to a means. We do not love for the sake of "love" anymore, we love for the sake of something else and... we don't love.

2005-04-17T20:49:00.000-04:00

Read some interesting articles today. Take a look if you like.

The Medical Money Pit
They're talking about the American health care system, comparing the cost to that of Canada etc For a person who's sat through much debate on the perils of OHIP (ontario health care)..was interesting.

Mr. Bush, Take a Look at MTV
Thought MTV was devoid of any substance or depth ? Maybe we should look again.

Public Hedonism and Private Restraint
An optimistic look at culture..

I can’t do that on my own

2005-04-14T20:33:00.000-04:00

I got a link, a couple of days ago, to an interview with Dan Haseltine (jars of clay frontman). He said some really profound things. Here's a little taste *wink*,

"What I need is not to hear more about what I’m going to do, but about what God has done and who God is and who I am in light of that. What I do is secondary, if lowly, to what God has done and where God is reaching into my life."

"The Gospel is the most offensive thing anybody would want to hear. It’s telling you that apart from God you are nothing, that you need God in order to exist, in order to have life. And pop music would say, "Yeah, you’re amazing." It wants to build us up when the Gospel wants to tear us down in a way that says 'You need God" "

" “God be merciful on me a sinner. Thank you for grace.” Those are the kinds of prayers I think I gravitate towards and “Lord, help me to hate injustice and love mercy. And help me to be reminded that I can’t do that on my own.” "

doubting Bono

2005-04-14T17:42:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about Bono, the frontman of U2 and the church's sudden seeming embrace of him. Don't get me wrong, I think Bono is cool. I like Bono.There's something about his passion and his radical, rebel personality that appeals to me. I guess I just wonder why it's suddenly appealing to "the vast crowd of christianity" ?

When exactly did this love affair with Bono begin ? I'm referring to the church or 'parts of the church'I should say, who were not always so chummy with him. Don't get me wrong. I'm not just trying to be adversarial. I'm just throwing out some honest questions, and a few have occured to me. For instance, if your sentiment towards someone drastically changes, I just have to wonder why and possibly, "what's your motivation ?"

As far as I can see, this quasi-love affair with Bono, began somewhere around 2000-2001, possibly with the book "Walk On by Steve Stockman."

Personally, I got into U2 after they were recommended by one of my friends (a delirious fan I knew from waaayyy back) and then I bought one of their albums, and a few people I admired, assured me that I would not be going off to believe that, in spite of Bono's swearing, drinking and smoking, he might still be a real Christian. The point at which I was truly impressed and won over was with his Larry King Live interview. I loved the humble way in which he explained his faith, and how he claimed himself a, "bottom of the bottom food chain Christian.." This was the closest I'd seen any modern day person come to Paul's confession to being the least of all Christians. So that's me.

I've been wondering about other people though (and myself..) when I sometimes see a kind of unquestioning attitude of agreement to with whatever Bono says or does. Bono has become in the Christian world, "Cool." (Which is really strange in itself when you come to think about it.)

I've begun to wonder, "truly why are most Christians embracing Bono ?" Are we embracing him because what he's doing (with debt and AIDS relief) is honourable and amirable ? Or are we simply embracing him because it's finally become politically correct in in Christian circles to call him a fellow believer ? And if so what do we TRULY admire about him ? Are we admiring him mostly because he's this HUGE rock star who's managed to stay at the top of his game for over 2 decades ? These are questions I'm asking, myself.

I tend to feel a little leery of things, whenever I get a sense that the whole herd is rushing towards something. Then I start to wonder, whether there are any deeply held feelings at all, or this is all just a bandwagon thing. I'm asking this about U2 because I remember a cynical friend of a friend's once making a remark about how the Christian church rushes to claim any musician that's successful (and will reciprocate the affection) as one of their own. A few examples were tossed in for good measure POD, Sixpence etc. The implication was that the church frowned on them at first, but once they'd been certified successful by the world, then they became huge stars in the church. Ever pondered this tendency ?

I've been pondering it.. hopefully not in a bitter way.. but just asking questions, possibly messy questions. And to end with a quote from the man of the hour,

"it's religion I'm doubting."